A wonderful conference

Mr Alex was so good this week, he just couldn't put a foot wrong and he is such an inspiration to all the members of the SNP, and the general public, and all the voters, and their children and their children's children, and the Diplomats from Qatar, Zimbabwe, Vanuatu and Cardiff, and the people in England who haven't yet got the opportunity to vote for Mr Alex, and the people of the European Union who should make sure Mr Alex gets a seat at the top table, where they will all hang on his every word. Just like I do.

Mr Alex acknowledged my presence many times, looking in my general direction more than once, and clearly looking straight through me whilst speaking from the podium. His speech was so good that I didn't need the electric shock from the implant to encourage me to stand up and give a spontaneous round of applause as we were all trained to do right through the week and as the special delegates agenda clearly instructed us to do. There were only four spontaneous rounds of applause scheduled for the week, but we actually managed five, without serious repercussions.

The Conference carried on into the Sunday, and the fact that the Western Isles SNP had previously mandated the party never to hold a Conference on the Sunday was abandoned in the wild celebrations and spontaneous partying as men wept with joy and women beat their breasts
at every sight of Mr Alex. Well, at least Alan and I wept uncontrollably on each other's shoulders for hours at a time.

Mr Angus and Rhona were busy together most of the time, with Mr Angus having a lot of letters to write, and Rhona having to go to his Suite for most of the Conference. Whatever work had to be done was obviously very successful as both of them were smiling and winking at each other all through the rest of the Conference.

As Conference closed the word spread though the hall that at the conclusion of his speech six women in Glasgow had spontaneously given birth to twins and that all twelve children had been named 'Alex' in his honour. His sporting feats seem to emulate Kim Il-Sung of North Korea, as I was reliably informed that on Thursday he had skied all the way from the top of the Cairngorms to the conference in under five minutes, despite never having skied before, and that he had achieved a hole-in-one on every hole at the local crazy golf course, a feat never before managed by any mere mortal.

As Mr Alex left the hall, a spontaneous group of women (Edinburgh SNP ladies section) spontaneously laid petals in a carpet for him to walk from the hall, and cast lilies, roses and daffodils in front of him as he walked imperiously to where we who are not worthy
were waiting so that he could grace us with his presence.

I left the hall totally overwhelmed, and when Mr Bruce told me that I would be lodging a spontaneously written motion, which he had written for me earlier, to the next session of Parliament calling on Mr Alex to be given the title of 'Divine Being, and Ruler of the Known Galaxies, and Glasgow' and become First Minister for life I could barely contain my excitement. So it was an urgent visit to the toilets and I was glad I had taken some clean underwear with me.

I collected Kenny from the bar where he had spent the entire week reciting to other delegates the complete list of ear markings in sheep from Ness to Barvas, or comharra-cluais as it is known in Gaelic. After four days, he had only reached the description of the practices in Dell, and was very disappointed to have to stop so soon without giving a full listing of the families and the crofts they owned since records were kept, but the various new friends he had made seem to have had to make their excuses and leave after only five minutes.

So back to Edinburgh tomorrow, where I will receive the motion that Kenny will type up from the instructions dictated by HQ, and my future is secured.

Spontaneous action undertaken, as instructed: 27
Gaelic words spoken: 555
Hankies need laundered due to tears of joy: 3

Annual Conference

This week is an exciting time for me as we have the Annual SNP Conference which is held every year. As someone who is now important, I will probably get a seat somewhere near the front and a big badge with my name on it, reading "Alasdair Allan", so that people can call me by my name, rather than just ignoring me as they have in the past.

Kenny phoned today to tell me that my room was confirmed, and that I was to be in the hotel next to the hotel next to the hotel where the conference was to be held. It is so exciting to be at the centre of everything, and to see the seat of power. Which is not, as Kenny says, Mr Alex's bum as he walks past.

Kenny has got me a special premium single room above the kitchens with a view of the largest car park, and apparently there isn't much noise from there in the room after midnight; but I'll be long asleep by then.

Mr Angus has been booked a special room which befits his status as a senior figure in the party, doing what he is told in a proper fashion, and a major influence on telling Mr Alex how good he is at being leader.

Kenny tells me that Mr Angus has a suite with enough room for four people and storage for a set of bagpipes to keep him straight. I have no idea what he is talking about, but Rhona stapled his hand to the desk, so I suspect that he is being rude again.

I see that 12 of my colleagues have signed my motion giving an accolade to Mr Alex, and I hope he will see us as his 12 disciples and reward our forthright and outspoken flattery.

Mr Bruce tells me that I will be moving a motion at Conference, and that I will receive the speech later, but I must read it exactly as written, even if I don't understand any of it. How I laugh and tell him that is what I do in the Chamber every day.

Gaelic words spoken: 779
Photographs in the Stornoway Gazette: 1
Bad words about me in the West Highland Free Press: too many to count

My staff

As befits someone of my status and ability, I have decided to do the best for the islands by employing staff who have the ability to undertake the work I instruct them to do in the appropriate fashion, or when Mr Angus phones, to drop everything and do as he says, and write brief concise press releases from me, as dictated to them by Mr Angus.

After much searching on the mainland, I appointed Graeme from Stonehaven to the Edinburgh post and Alan from Glasgow as my local eyes and ears in the islands. Despite not advertising anywhere not one person from the Western Isles applied for the posts I had already shortlisted, requiring the basic skills of being young, male, single, Gaelic speaking (except for Graeme) and with no connection to the islands other than having worked for my campaign. I was delighted when I was given the list of names by SNP HQ from which to recruit, which saved me the bother of having to consider ability or party loyalty in appointing an acolyte.

Both Graeme and Alan are nice young men, and Alan has settled into the Stornoway office quickly with the witty banter between him and leading Kenny to comment very favourably on our humour that "It is like working with Larry Grayson and John Inman". How Alan and I giggled like young girls at his flattery!

Gaelic words spoken: 998
Press releases written on my behalf by HQ: 19
Press releases reported anywhere: 1

New wave power development

I am appalled that nPower and Wavegen have had the temerity to bring forward a wave power scheme for the west coast of Lewis, without involving Mr Angus and I in a campaign against such a development. I have already spoken in Gaelic with one person who opposes this scheme as it might affect the view as he drives to his holiday home in Ness, and I intend to write to the Minister to express the extreme opposition of my constituents to this proposal. I will also provide him with a Gaelic translation of my letter, so that Mr Gordon Brown is not seen to be the only politician who can write letters in Gaelic.

The devilish scheme may very well have the support of the entire community, and provide innumerable benefits to the islands, the fishermen and pleasure boat users but there is no good reasons for building upside-down turbines in the sea other than as the thin end of the wedge to develop and build upside-down turbines on land in an effort to confuse me, and to try and sneak the wind farm through the Government.

I am now immediately officially launching a major campaign provisionally called "Seabeds without Turbines" in a blaze of publicity by writing a short note to the community councils asking them to phone me if they have the time to discuss how they can launch this campaign.

OOOOH! I am so angry.

Gaelic words spoken in a raised voice: 364
Cups of lemon and rosehip tea sipped: 1
Renewable energy projects opposed: Not enough!

National Mod

I'm off to the Royal National Mod in Fort William as a member of the Back Gaelic Choir, where lots of people will speak Gaelic, and all the newspapers, television programmes, menus, street signs, road signs, weather reports, tourist advice, programmes and shops are all in Gaelic. Heaven; and I hope no-one will spoil it by speaking in English, and I written to Mr Alex requesting a 'Total Exclusion Zone' be set-up around An Gearasdan (as it is properly called) to ensure that those speaking other languages are kept out.

The choir are staying in the centre of An Gearasdan and I have been given my own room in Camusnagaul overlooking An Gearasdan, albeit on the other side of Loch Lochy and a mere 25 miles away.

Mr Angus still has a house in An Gearasdan and whilst I am not allowed to stay there, or even visit with an explicit invitation in writing he is going to stay there when he visits the Mod. He obviously has a lot of important parliamentary business to attend to as Rhona is scheduled to be there too to help write some letters. According to Kenny, there is some important Ugandan issues that need to be resolved by Mr Angus.

Gaelic words spoken: 11,339
Strange looks from passers-by: 46
Buses caught: 3

Press release

I am so proud that Mr Alex has asked me to put my name to a Press Release that the press office have written. As he said to me, "You there, are you a MSP? Good, you'll do", which left me positively weak about the knees that he has recognised my brilliance and intelligence, and obviously the motion that I have placed into the Parliament has been brought to his attention, which has left him highly impressed as he added, "You're Allan the sycophant, aren't you?"

I am to be told how to lead the attack on the Lib-Dems over farming subsidies, whatever they are, to allow Mr Alex to attack Labour because of something that happened in London. Mr Angus calls to shout at me that he is the Rural Affairs spokesman and how dare I tread on his toes, but I explain that I am just doing what Mr Alex has told me and he goes quiet.

In the end he tells me that he is going to issue the press release in his name, with a quote from me at the end, and after Kenny phones me to say that Rhona is on the rampage in the Constituency Office about the matter waving a pair of castration pliers and screaming at the top of her voice, I agree to Mr Angus' detailed instructions.

Mr Alex and Mr Angus speak to the press, and I hold my press conference in Gaelic as instructed by Mr Angus in the Lobby of the MacDonald Holyrood Hotel. Unfortunately no journalists turn up and I am told to move on by the Concierge. I did think 3am was a funny time for a press conference.

Gaelic words spoken: 357
Irate phone calls from Rhona: 7
Admiring glances at Mr Alex: 43

Accomodation costs

A journalist has asked me for a quote, I'm famous, someone knows who I am. Perhaps now the other MSPs will stop thinking I am the message boy and will stop asking me to get them a coffee.

I am asked for my view on the use of accommodation allowances for MSPs and I have an opinion which I am prepared to give, after I check with Mr Bruce that I am allowed to say what I think, or at least I am allowed to say what he thinks I should think. Mr Bruce's most junior assistant tells me what to say, and I memorise the words carefully to make sure I get it right.

I claim the moral high ground by pointing out that I am not using the Parliamentary allowances to buy a flat, preferring to rent. He swallows the story and I appear in print yesterday hopefully not looking too smug or scantimonious.

The story about renting is of course an excellent cover, which my landlord Donald John and I have concocted, as I wouldn't be allowed to buy a property given that I already own a property in East Lothian, which is under 30 miles from the parliament, and which I could drive carefully in under two hours.

I'm sure that with practice I could get up to almost 40 MPH on the A1, cutting my commuting time to under 90 minutes, but in the meantime I am able to get a rent from a property and have the Parliament pay a friend for another flat all within the rules. I just have to make sure that no-one in Gordon the Western Isles finds out what is going on.

Mugs of hot chocolate: 2 (I'm celebrating my fame)
Press releases drafted: 37
Press releases issued: 1

Photo in Gazette

Today's Stornoway Gazette has a lovely photo of me with the longest serving member and the youngest member in the Western Isles. Jean Brannigan has been a member since 1942 and Fergus MacPherson (the son of my election agent in Uist) is only 4 years old.

No-one mentions the fact that he wears nappies, cannot write his own name and has little idea who I am, and I suspect that Mrs Brannigan has the same issues, but we take the photo with me smiling as vacantly as one can when faced with voters who don't understand the importance of Gaelic in setting the tone for geo-political negotiations in the future.

Back in the office Kenny loves the photo and gives it the caption "Aon Tir, aon Canan, aon Daoine" which I explain to Mr Bruce later translates as "One land, one language, one people". I still have no idea why he asked me if I was a member of Combat 18.

Gaelic words spoken: 237
Hair gel used: 1 small tub
Councillors snubbed: 3

Seachd: Inaccessible Pinnacle

How dare BAFTA refuse to put this film forward for an Oscar.

It may be badly written and directed, with poor sound and camera work, and the director's daughter might have had a major role in the film, and it might have no chance of recouping the taxpayers money invested in it, and BAFTA may have had two meetings before deciding that neither it nor the Welsh film were good enough to represent the UK, and I haven't actually seen it, and probably very few in the UK ever will, but...

It is in Gaelic and stars a constituent so it should have been nominated as the best foreign language film despite its many failings. And Gaelic not being a foreign language.

Press releases: 1
Phones calls from Kenny: 3
Pager instructions obeyed: 34