Alasdair Allan MSP

Sale of Work

2008-03-23T04:51:00.000-07:00

In the past the Lewis SNP Sale of Work has involved hours and hours of preparation, glad-handing and counting of the money, so it was a privilege to be invited to open it as Mr Angus couldn't be bothered and no-one else was available.

After the doors opened I addressed the massed crowds (Kenny, Rhona and a drunk who wandered in by mistake) for barely fifteen minutes about the magnificence of Mr Alex before declaring the Sale open.

Thankfully I didn't have to spend hours talking to people I don't know as the absence of donations, helpers and the public meant that the Sale was over and done with and the hall cleared within 45 minutes. I was told that we raised the fantastic sum of almost £395.75, €1.72 and a polo mint. After adjusting for the appalling handling of the economy by Alasdair Darling and Gordon Brown and the ravages that their actions have forced upon the islands it compares very favourably with the £1,000 plus we used to raise.

By getting away early, I have been able to concentrate on more important matters and have managed to get a very early flight off the islands and back to civilisation.

Councillors spoken to: 1 (Rev Murdo 'Maroot' MacLeod (Ind) leader of the provisional SNP Group (Continuing))
Donations given: £0
Flights to Edinburgh: £340, paid for by the Parliament.

Energy conference

2008-03-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

Mr Jim is delighted with my speech and is lavish in his praise for both Mr Angus and I as he comes off the plane, and even before we have been able to give him an outline of what we intend to say. He is just such an able politician to manage to understand what is going to happen even before it does.

I manage to avoid talking to any Councillors as they will just want to engage me in debate on difficult topics about which they know nothing, and expect me to discuss these issues with them. Today is a day for unmitigated adulation of Mr Jim and the SNP Government, and by extension Mr Angus and I, and there is no way that I am going to let reality intervene.

Mr Jim gives a wonderful speech about how important renewable energy is for the islands and how the sources here are vital for Scotland to achieve the targets that have been set. And how important it is for all the windfarm proposals that he can't talk about must go ahead, despite the ludicrous arguments about birds. As no less a person than Mr Alex has said "Environmental concerns are just that, concerns, and must not be allowed to get in the way of Donald Tr*mp or the developments in Aviemore!"

How I applauded, as that is the message I have been telling everyone who will listen for years, and it was unfortunate that Moorlands Without Turbines had chosen today (as I asked them to) not to attend the meeting to hear the positive words of Mr Jim.

To underline the election winning strategy pursued by Mr Angus and I of opposing jobs, economic regeneration and renewable energy whilst pandering to the newly resident on the islands, Mr Jim left the meeting straight after his speech to spend the rest of the day in discussions with the supporters of the planning applications. One day soon I may have to accept their repeated invitations to meet with them, rather than ignore them in the hope they will go away.

Mr Angus gave a masterful speech which left the audience in shocked silence as he describe his early experiences in engineering, which led him inexorably to taking his PhD in the subject, and how he built the first renewable power station in Barra when he was a boy, using nothing but tractor parts and powered by seaweed. He reminded his audience that the entire population of Barra - Neil MacNeil, Niall MacNeil, Donald MacNeil, Neil Donald MacNeil, Donald Niall MacNeil, Neilina MacNeil, Donaldina Neilina MacNeil, Neil Niall MacNeill and their families amongst others - were eternally grateful for his foresight, intelligence and sheer handsomeness. He finished by expressing his eternal support for the Minister and that he had to leave for an important meeting with Rhona.

I had heard the story about the tractor on quite a few occasions in many other locations but every time Mr Angus lets slip yet another aspect of his famous invention that adds to the glory and glamour of his sheer ability. If only he wasn't so modest.

My speech was met with rapturous applause from the entire audience (Kenny and Rhona) as I explained how my views on energy would be best expressed by whatever decision the Minister took, and that any comments about renewable energy in election campaigns have been misunderstood in translating the document from its original Gaelic.

I finished by explaining the need to have the full involvement of a team to deliver a bilingual language development plan as a key fundamental part of attracting investors to move here, and to speak Gaelic fluently in all meetings, before and development could commence. Drawing on a quote from my hero Yukio Mishima, who I am translating into Gaelic, I reminded the audience (Rhona, as Kenny had gone out for a smoke) of his prescient words in わが友ヒットラー (Death in Midsummer on an open moor at the hands of MWT)

"Lowly is the dunlin compared to the fish of the river.
Beyond eternity lies only a nimby, still protesting.
One must act today, for tomorrow the shops may be closed.
Unto the ferry one must render; and often."

I came away from the lectern safe in the secret knowledge that I will be appointed junior assistant under-minister in charge of Gaelic Development plans in the next Government, and Mr Angus is to be given full Ministerial responsibility, as Minister for Derelict Tractors in a sponsorship deal to be announced by Massey Ferguson when Mr Alex sorts their planning permission problems.

Councillors spoken to: None
Vice-Conveners shouting at me: 1
Ministerial appointments promised for next decade: 1

Energy Conference

2008-03-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am honoured to be speaking at this meeting which I hope will put the final nail in the coffin of big renewable energy plans for the Western Isles. Too many people cannot imagine the ruthless massacre of bird life that these big turbines will cause. I hope that the community will develop a few small turbines, but not too many or that may cause growth of the economy, which as we know is a bad thing, unless as a result of the actions by Mr Alex.

My topic is "Energy: An opportunity to be seized?", which is a blindingly obvious question.

Kenny and I have made a list of the key issues that I will be raising, and demanding that the Comhairle taken forward immediately from their own vast resources, given that Mr Jim has already told us not to suggest that the Government has any role in this matter.

The first opportunity that need to be grasped straight away is to ensure a vigorous and reliable campaign to ensure that all relevant energy terms are translated into Gaelic. Key words and phrases that need IMMEDIATE attention include:

Three-phase switching gear
Nacelle
Cetacean-friendly sub-surface tidal-power experimental device
Low-energy bulb
On-shore deep-storage non-radioactive non-nuclear facility
Turbine-blade manufacture capacity
Nuclear meltdown
Mme Guillotine meets the Amec Board

I am proposing that the Comhairle, together with Highland and Islands Enterprise, the University of the Highland and Islands and Bord na Gaidhlig develop a huge range of courses to encourage and seize the opportunities that are offered.

Gaelic as a Foreign Language
Retraining engineers at the Arnish windfarm factory as Gaelic speaking nursery nurses
A Professorship in peat extraction techniques, focussing on the non-extraction of peat (Gaelic speakers only)
Tidal barrages for beginners
Engineering small turbines as they don't harm birds (sponsored by RSPB)
Successful location of windfarm developments (to be delivered through the Falkland Isles campus and sponsored by MWT)
Subsidy application (advanced course)
Social Care - how to look after the elderly and infirm in a collapsing economy (Gaelic and Polish only)
Oil extraction and pipeline observation for bystanders - West Side campus only
Solar power - can Lewis become the new Sahara?

At least no-one can accuse me of complacency.

Instructions received from HQ: 46
Gaelic words spoken: 4437
Bright ideas: 1

Mr Alex is not guilty

2008-03-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

The Local Government Committee, of which I am a senior member, met today to issue its report into the so-called Tr*mp affair.

As I prophesied, even before I saw any of the evidence, and as HQ instructed, there was not a shred of evidence to prove that Mr Alex had anything whatsoever, ever, to do with the consideration of the planning issues surrounding the application, and he knew nothing about the matter until the Labour press started to stir this up over nothing.

It was a great shame that the other parties represented on the Committee bother to waste their time by looking at the facts and hearing from Mr Alex and Mr John as they explained how the contacted anyone and everyone they could until the matter was called in.

Sadly, they came to the totally false conclusion that Mr Alex and Mr John had anything to do with the decision they instructed the Chief Planner to take to make such a momentous decision at short notice, and in the absence of the facts. As I said in the private session of the Committee, "Does it matter that Mr Alex abused his position and tried to control matters beyond his remit, before instructing Mr John to tell the Chief Planner to do what he can to rescue the plan proposed by his pal, Mr Tr*mp?"

We SNP members on the Committee were not going to let the Committee play politics with such a serious matter, so Kenny, Doris (who confusingly is a man) and I decided (as instructed by HQ) to dissent as a group on every issue where there could be any suggestion of any impropriety by any Minister, or any of our friends.

I was to lead the way and I duly started by dissenting to the title of the report; and then the ISBN; and then the page numbers; before passing the batton of dissent to Kenny. That is not Kenny from my office, as that would just be silly, but another Kenny (no relation), who is apparently also a MSP.

Mr Alex will be pleased at the hugely favourable coverage for him that has followed from our actions!

Dissent registered: 11234 times
People called Kenny I know: 2
Camomile and daisy tea drunk: 1 cup

Mr Desmond McNulty MSP

2008-03-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

The Parliament as one to celebrate the introduction of RET onto all the routes from the Western Isles, except of course, the bitter and twisted Labour Party. And their onetime allies the LibDems. And our allies the Greens. And our other allies (although we aren’t allowed to call them that) the Tories. And Margo MacDonald.

Mr Stewart made a wonderful speech explaining how poor and impoverished the Western Isles were and how none of our other policies would impact in any way on this sad state of affairs. He then explained, slowly for the Labour Party members, that the RET rates were set different from the Equivalent Road Tariff as used by the AA, the RAC and the Inland Revenue but it accurately reflected the cost of a 4 litre Range Rover, the typical vehicle of choice of a crofter, which they used to haul the peat up from the beach, and to take the tourists onto the centre of the Barvas Moor and then back laden with deer, salmon, dunlin, golden eagles and a few brace of grouse.

Luckily I had my Star Trek combined communicator, phaser and mobile phone on silent, as at this point Kenny texted me to say that he ran his pick-up on two parts red diesel to 14 parts seal oil and it costs him no more than 2p per mile to do so. I despair of Kenny, trying to bring rational argument into the political debate, but now I know why you can smell the pick-up from a half-mile away.

Just then a Labour member, who shall remain nameless, accused Mr Stewart of acting like Chemical Ali. I don’t want to make too much of it, but Mr McNulty then suggested that the sole reason for introducing RET was to allow the Government to round up Gaelic Speakers and transport them to the Western Isles where all the adults and children would be slowly poisoned by Mr Stewart using a combination of highly toxic Trumps and worthy, but pointless, Government initiatives. But not before they had worked themselves in skeletal form rowing the new oar-powered catamaran ferry across the Minch. “Where”, he spat, “Was that in the manifesto of the fascist, death-camp supporting, party opposite?”

This was just too much for me and I was absolutely incandescent with rage, as Donnie MacInnes phoned to tell me my press release in the Gazette was going to say. How dare anyone question what an SNP Minister might be doing? Which is the question I posed to the Minister, as he had asked me to.

I caught up with the guilty party later outside the Chamber and had words, “Just who were you calling Comical Ali, Mr McNulty MSP, Sir?”, I asked. I was devastated by his reply, “You, lad, are the real Comical Ali!”.

I cried all the way back to my room.

Scripted interventions read: 3
Phaser setting: 16 (Extreme explosive effect)
Constituents met: 0

Health Board

2008-02-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

The disgraceful state of affairs at the Western Isles Health Board was made clear to me by the briefing note and clear instruction sent to me by Miss Nicola.

The meeting of the Audit Committee at which the expose of the appalling situation under the previous ~~Government~~ administration was a revelation to those of us who thought that the problems at the Health Board had been resolved.

I am now convinced that the in-depth investigation by the Committee under the clear, but unattributable, leadership of Mr Alex into the cronyism and political appointee system encouraged by the hated and discredited Labour regime will demonstrate that the new Board and Executive will be free from political bias.

This was confirmed to me by the Chairman, who despite being appointed Andy Kerr (Lab, Discredited North) has not let his Labour roots affect his non-political stance. I was also very grateful to Sandy Matheson, a former Chairman of the Health Board, for his intervention in pointing out that Manson and Currie were lying. Sandy was, of course, a former Labour candidate for Westminster, but his turning on his former party, and his ruthless naming of the entryist Marxist/Leninist colleagues into the Health Board indicates just how far he has moved politically, and what a wonderful job Mr Alex is doing in uniting the entire country behind him.

Mr Manson will suffer for his failure to blame Labour totally and utterly for everything that has gone wrong, and the late Alasdair Morrison will take is share of the blame for supporting the appointment of an SNP activist to the role of Chief Executive before Mr Manson.

I've received instructions that Mr Currie is not to be blamed for anything, as he was an SNP member locally - obviously long before I ever heard of the Western Isles - and the rumour is that Mrs Currie is a former paramour of Mr Alex from their time in at St Andrews University, where Mr Alex won every prize going on the sports field and beyond, including setting numerous world records.

Hopefully all this upset and angst will lead to a more stable Health Board, as Donnie MacInnes said I said in the Gazette, although I haven't a clue what he actually meant.

The most telling quote from me as made up by Donnie was "It was also observed at the meeting that Mr Manson and others did not actually live on the Isles permanently." How ludicrous, to try and understand somewhere you don't live in and obviously have no attachment to.

Gaelic words spoken: 3
Pile cream used: 1 tube
Constituents spoken to: 3 ( a new record)

AGM

2008-02-23T07:54:00.000-08:00

The AGM was a great success, mainly due to the fact that we didn’t let anyone know it was taking place. The Committee were reappointed after being proposed en-bloc by Mr Angus, who was an honorary member for the evening, and after I issued the already completed voting papers to those attending the AGM (the Committee) it was nice to see total unanimity in the support for the fantastic job that the Committee do in doing as Mr Angus and I tell them.

The absence of those who might want to debate matters meant that there was more time for my brief two-hour speech declaiming the skills, abilities, intelligence, wit and wisdom of Mr Angus (but Rhona re-read what she had written for me, I decided to take out the section on being a family man, as she told me to) and his brief two minute speech on my abilities, which seemed to focus on my quiff.

Since being struck by lightning last week, and surviving, I realise that there is a greater plan for me, and that divine intervention means that there is a REAL purpose in my life, rather than the meaningless, pathetic, clueless, subservient, inadequate and pointless course that I have followed over the past twenty years. When I work out what it is, I will follow it, but until then I will do exactly as He recommends; and the first blessed sign came direct from Him when Mr Alex sent me an email telling me that He would be acquitted by the Local Government Committee when we come to consider the ill-founded Trump Inquiry and the Aviemore Inquiry, and the other ones that aren’t public yet.

It was a mistake to let Kenny do the catering though.

The sandwiches were filled with Ness Duck, which Kenny described as being “Like Bombay Duck, only from Ness.” Further inquiry elicited the fact that this was in fact lamb, left to air dry for two years in a sheiling before being salted for six months in a Tenants Lager keg. Kenny claims this sells exceptionally well at the Tapas nights in the Ness Social Club.

The main dish was Buffalo Wings, which Kenny later admitted was actually skate wings which had been left to ferment for eighteen hours in a bucket of fat extracted from a beached whale (or seal) before being deep fried in a batter of Super Lager, Skigersta milled marram-flour and all bound together with an egg of a Golden Eagle.

The evening came to an early end when the management stopped Kenny from building the fire over which he was planning to roast a stag that he had found dead of suicide apparently.

As we left, Rhona tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I know who the mole is!” before grinning in a threatening manner. My blood stood still. Did she mean me? What had I done?

Messages from above: 3
Councillors ignored: 4
Political discussions at the AGM: Nil

Air Discount Scheme

2008-02-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

The Air Discount Scheme has been saved, thanks to my intervention in the matter, and I am one of the first to know!

Mr Stewart has issued a Press Release in my name which I have just received from a journalist, a mere six hours later, announcing that over a week ago the European Union have approved the continuation of the scheme for another three years. This will deliver 40% savings to everyone who lives in the islands, or who is on the electoral roll, which means I can benefit too. This is so much better than RET, I explained to Donnie MacInnes at the Stornoway Gazette, as important people fly rather than take the ferry, and there has to be a scheme to help people like me and not just the ordinary people who travel on the boats.

All the questions from journalists are about ADS and not RET, which is a good thing as it distracts from the problems that Mr Stewart will have when he makes the official announcement next week.

It is good to see that the new SNP Government have left behind the Labour legacy of duplicity, misinformation, spin and the use of friendly journalists to break a non-story, as I said to Donnie MacInnes when he sent me a first draft of the press release that I am going to send to the Gazette later today.

Angry Ministers spoken to: 1
Press releases written by Donnie MacInnes: 27
Press releases carried by media other than the Stornoway Gazette: 2

RET story leaked

2008-02-21T04:31:00.000-08:00

At the weekend Mr Angus and I were sent a press release from HQ about RET which was so secret and confidential we were not allowed to see it, and had to fill in the blanks for our comments with our eyes closed, before faxing it on to Donnie MacInnes at the Stornoway Gazette.

Mr Angus made a clever and intelligent comment about RET being able to "lower the water table" or "taking water off the table" or something similar, whilst I just praised Mr Alex for bringing the needed rains to the islands using publicly subsidised ferries, and reminding the voters that under Labour there had been no rain on the islands in living memory, and no ferries either.

It then turned out that we were calling for Road Equal Travel to be introduced on all the ferries that Mr Alex has brought to the islands. This will be a wonderful scheme if it were introduced, but I have not been told yet what it will involve, but I know that if Mr Alex and Mr John are involved then it will be wonderful, as I told them both.

Mr Stewart is coming to the islands next week to make the announcement, and hopefully I will be told the details before the meeting. I think Mr Angus might know something as himself and Rhona are having private little meetings in the cupboard, which is obviously very warm as Mr Angus is always having to button his shirt up when he emerges.

But then Kenny draws my attention to Voldemort's website where he has published full details of the scheme, including the prices, which shows that it is more expensive for some of the journeys which seems to send Kenny into a spin. He was cursing in some kind of weird Ness Gaelic dialect which neither Alan nor I could understand, except for the occasional obscenity.

I phone Mr Stewart in tears (that is to say I was in tears, he was just furious and shouting) to explain that the details of what he intended to say appear to have been leaked and to apologise for being the bearer of bad news. After listening to a mere two-hour dressing down, he promised to be able to deflect this bad news story with some other good news which he would pass to Mr Angus later.

Rhona took me aside later and announced that she had been appointed as mole-finder General, and would be tapping all the phones, faxes, mobiles and emails and she would be in charge of opening all incoming post and ensuring that outgoing messages had a secret code embedded into the print to allow us to identify the sources of information. I had nothing to worry about, she said, "As you never say anything interesting anyway", and, "I'll make sure that you receive only the bare minimum of information, relevant or not."

Mr Angus has already left a message from Rhona on the new recording equipment as a test, he said, and she goes bright red and blows him a big kiss to indicate that the equipment is working.

Kenny returns to advise that six new infra-red cameras have been installed in the toilet.

Constituents met: 1
Journeys more expensive under RET scheme: 4
Cups of rosehip, fennel and peppermint tea drunk: 1

Wind turbines

2008-02-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

The SNP Councillors have dared to put out a press release suggesting that the implications of refusing permission for the turbines would be to prevent any economic development on any site where there is any form of designation.

How dare they attack me in such a manner and suggest that I might in any way be wrong, or that the Government might not be 100% right in anything and everything it does.

I am double furious because the press release was put out by Annie MacDonald, and she is seriously scary, and doesn't suffer fools gladly. For some reason she doesn't seem to like me. Mr Angus has issued instructions that whenever she calls, he is out, as he doesn't want to suffer her wrath again.

As the SNP council spokesperson on renewable energy Mr Angus and I have engaged with her on this topic on many occasions, explaining to her how we refuse to discuss renewable energy with her because she is wrong, wrong, wrong and no amount of listening to her will change our minds from the politically opportunist position we have adopted. No matter how much she tries to bamboozle us with logic, facts, figures and examples we refuse to provide her with any justification for our stance as that will just give her more opportunity to explain why we are in error, and we can't have that.

Kenny is instructed to phone her, as Mr Angus and I are both 'out' for the rest of the year and to explain to her in Gaelic that she is not to attempt to contact us or come to this office ever again and that the Police have been out on standby.

We know that this is a difficult task, and Kenny has to gather his wits and strength by going outside and smoking 14 Regal High-Tar Extra-King Size Spanish cigarettes which he bought from behind the bar in the Ness Social Club. Although not Duty Paid he explains that they were legally imported from Tenerife by Willie Alasdair Uilleam of Eurodale in a complex EU approved barter deal involving an articulated lorry load of peat, salt herring, free-range seagull eggs, a few barrels of pickled dunlin and a case of Corncrake and cheese crisps shoplifted from Cross stores.

I turn a blind eye whilst Kenny takes a quick drink from the bottle of "Old Sheep Warmer" he hides in his desk. I have to support the consumption of local produce, even if in this case it is a highly alcoholic and toxic product fermented in an illicit still in a bothan on the wild open moors of Fivepenny Borve by Kenny's uncles, who were named after the places they were conceived, Barvas Cattleshow MacLeod and Inbed MacLeod. The label is beautiful, showing a blackface sheep in the moonlight, urinating gently on the base of a burning wind turbine, whilst a crofter approaches carrying a pair of wellies and a sly grin. The advertising slogan "Caution: not for human consumption" appears to have been printed on the bottle as part of its original purpose for storing sheep dip.

As soon as his sight returns, but before the hallucinations start, Kenny quickly dials the number and bellows down the phone to Annie that she is a disgrace to the party for thinking for herself and not doing as she is told, regardless of her principles - he spits out the last word, although he may just have been trying to get the taste of the drink from his mouth - and before she can get a word in edgeways he tells her she is banned from contacting us, and that a Court Order will be sought if she tries to access the building. His last words before dropping the phone and lapsing into a near coma were, "..and you will be the next one to be expelled after Manford goes!"

We emerge from behind the desks where we have hidden and Alan and I have a wonderful big hug to celebrate. As we leave the office to go home, Rhona steps around the still gibbering form of Kenny and sharply applies her stiletto to his crotch, "Just for fun", Alan and I know that we will be next if we do not do as she instructs.

Gaelic words spoken: 3,389
SNP Councillors ignored: 3
Constituents met: 0

Telvision interview

2008-01-26T11:19:00.000-08:00

I do an astounding television interview with STV in which I unequivocally confirm my probable support for the likely decision that the Government might take in considering the application for a windpoint in Lewis. Without doubt I will almost certainly fully support the view that the Government are minded to reject the application. That will show the doubters just how much of a community leader I am, and hopefully Mr Alex will see my performance and be minded to give me a promotion to apprentice substitute junior assistant vice-deputy Minister for Gaelic.

Having seen the interview, I have had strong words with the journalist concerned as they started the clip with an interview with Voldemort and his child playing straight on the emotional heartstrings in a basic, crude and superficially attractive way, and he also had things to say that undermined my position. How dare he play politics with such an important issue and try and contrast his fertility with the absence of any woman in my life.

In Kenny's absence, Rhona screams politely down the phone at the journalist on my behalf threatening many unpleasant personal afflictions and hurt, and tells me that I will not have any more problems from that quarter. Knowing my concerns she is able to put me totally at ease by reassuring me about public perception. "Don't worry what people think", she says, "I tell them that you are saving yourself for exactly the right person, and that you are a quite attractive individual in an asexual sort of way, and that surrounding yourself with young men shouldn't be misunderstood."

I hear Kenny quietly laughing in the toilet.

Journalists spoken to: None
Gaelic words spoken: 347
Windfilms stopped: 1 (probably minded to)

Burns Night

2008-01-25T10:53:00.000-08:00

In order to commemorate our national poet, and to demonstrate the deep and lasting support that the Western Isles have for our Scottish National Poet and his deep and lasting impression on the Scottish psyche, and following guidance from Mr Alex that the SNP must respect and reflect on his fine words at this important time, the Western Isles SNP have decided not to hold a Burns Night celebration.

No doubt my political opponents will try to make political capital out of this, by suggesting that the active membership of the local SNP has fallen, but the simple truth is that we have never been able to get enough members to attend any function, except in exceptional circumstances, so the non-event is simply normal.

The local branch remains strong with average attendance at meetings having increased by 20% since I was elected, and there is plenty of room in the Offices for many more activists to attend, so I look forward to having to having to get more tables out to accommodate the seventh supporter soon.

Tonight Kenny presented me with a new Sgian Dubh, inscribed with the motto, "To Alistir Allen. Become the Yukio Mishima of the islands", which he tells me shows his desire for me to take my political success to the highest level. As a kilt is an Imperialist symbol of the oppression of the Gaels by the Germano-Unionist-Quisling class following the '45 in which my family would have suffered so much had they lived anywhere north of Selkirk, but with which we have had so much fundamental and heart-felt affinity over the many, many years since I was elected, I have no intention of ever wearing one. Kenny reminds me that this doesn't mean I cannot find a good use for the knife.

Haggis eaten: none
Poems read in broad Scots: 35
Constituents met: 1 (Kenny)

Top secret - wind to be refused

2008-01-23T13:10:00.000-08:00

I was phoned yesterday by Mr Jim to tell me that the giant windplant on Lewis was to be refused, probably, after due consideration and only after giving the applicants another chance to persuade the Government they were wrong. How big a donation does it take for that to happen?

I went out to meet my constituents in Bravas, Galston and Point of Ness were they laid rose petals in my path as I drove through in the cavalcade comprising me in my green 1.4l Micra and Kenny in his rust-brown 1957 Anglia Estate, with optional lights and brakes. Rhona had already sped off in her Mini for a liaison with her special friend, who was visiting from London. The rose petals did look like hay and shredded Dunlin, but Kenny later assured me that this was an old tradition. Apparently the men of the area celebrate good news about the environment by catching, cooking and eating a few Golden Eagles, a barrel or two of red-throated divers and a few hundred brace of other birds; whilst the women of the district carry the catch and the men on their backs for a couple of miles to the Cross Inn, where the men sate their thirst, before the women prepare the feast and sandwiches for the coming year, and then light a giant Wicker man to celebrate the arrival of the subsidy cheques.

We head to our final destination with a triumphal flourish as I put the car into third gear and the massed hordes descend to meet our vehicles. As the horde, Donald Murdo Morrison and his brother Murdo Donald Morrison, unload the cases of Tennant’s Lager with the Tennant’s Girls on the back, from the rear of Kenny’s van. Kenny admits to me that he is smuggling the lager despite threats from the ‘security men’ at the Ness Social Club. I tell him to desist from such improper purposes and help him with a case of export-only Golden Virginia, and a case of Iceland’s famous Guga-flavour profiteroles which have slightly melted, judging by the smell.

As the men finish the fourth case of lager and open yet another packet of roast corncrake crisps – made on site at the Borve minimarket – I finish reading my briefing for my TV interview tomorrow.

Miles driven: 50 (return journey)
Greylag goose sandwiches eaten: None
Gaelic words spoken: 3397

Stornoway Gazette

2008-01-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

The local newspaper has tried to suggest that I am wrong footed by the announcement by the Government that there will be no referendum on the windwheels planning application.

How wrong can they be about things! It is very clear that when I called for a referendum and said that it should be organised by the Council as it was the best way for the Government to understand public opinion which they could then take into account when coming to their decision to refuse planning permission, what I actually said was that the communities should ignore the referenda which they have held in their areas as these are not representative and the Community Councils should find the money from their limited budgets to organise new referenda run by professionals which will come up with the same result which the Council and the Government cannot then ignore.

This master plan was met with public acclaim and incredulity at my sheer brilliance and was embraced without question by all the relevant Community Council in Airidhantuim, who advised me that they had no money to do such a thing, and that the previous votes were clear and unequivocal.

The other Community Councils were obviously happy with this plan as they haven't replied.

I am so angry with the Gazette that I will have to contact the editor, Donnie MacInnes, to register my utter anger at the utter incompetence of the report. I control my wrath long enough to stop scaring Alan, and instruct him to immediately phone Mr MacInnes' wife - who is also the Chairperson of the local SNP - to tell Mr MacInnes of my extreme displeasure with the situation
and threaten to withhold all my news releases from the Gazette if such libellous, defamatory and naughty nonsense appears in the future. Alan leaves a scathing message on the answering machine and reminds me that Donnie has authored all the news releases for the next month, so my threats are less than threatening.

I drive home, and on the hour long journey I decide on my course of action. I will not attend the next Branch Meeting of the local SNP. That will teach them.

Referendums organised by me, but not delivered by the Communities: 1
Journalists spoken to: 1
Highest speed driven at: 15mph

Audit Committee (very exciting!)

2008-01-11T12:47:00.000-08:00

The Committee meeting went like a dream. The Chairperson was Welsh, but spoke with a Scottish accent, which confused me a lot. Thankfully he seemed ready for the questions I was told to ask, and although I didn’t recognise anyone, the questions were answered by the right person.

The meeting was in what I am told is the Council Chamber. I think I have been there once before, but given the unimportance of the Council, does it matter.

That nice Mr George Flukes was very helpful in directing me to all the right places in the building, and his notes which he passed to me were very helpful in making sure I knew what I was saying. Or more accurately, gave a good impression that I knew what I was talking about. I only got confused once, when I had to think for myself, but thankfully that doesn’t happen often.

Mr Flukes invited me for something called a f’ing large dram later, which I think is some kind of parliamentary bonding ritual, but I explained that I had to go home to my Horlicks. Apparently he was able to walk by lunchtime the next day, as his whisky allergy had cleared by then. Apparently, he has to have at least a gallon of his medication to see him through each day, just like fellow sufferer Ken Livingston.

Welsh SNP members met: 1
Gaelic words spoken: 17
Councillors met: None. Keep it that way.

Audit Committee (exciting!)

2008-01-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

The Audit Committee of the Parliament are in Stornoway tomorrow, and for some reason they want me to attend! I am so excited that it appears that I have acquired a reputation for something.

Later Kenny tells me that they are meeting the Health Board, so I hope that no-one is unwell, as I know that the care you get in the Ospadal nan Eilean is not as good as my new BUPA care plan. Alan is excited by anything to do with the Health Board and repeatedly offers to get the nurses’ outfits from his flat for us to wear again. I have had to tell him that these uniforms are for the ‘special’ holidays, and he is despondent and distraught until he realises that the doctors might be in uniform.

Kenny passes me the list of spontaneous questions, provided by HQ, that I am to ask and a copy of the Press Release for tomorrow where Mr Angus comments in detail on his invaluable input into the careful considerations of the Committee. At least that is what it says in the briefing from HQ.

Press releases read: 10
Constituents met: 1
Instructions from HQ met in full: 37

Christmas presents

2007-12-30T06:38:00.000-08:00

I'd really like to thank all my friends for the thoughtful presents they sent to me for Christmas. It was lovely to open all of them as I sat in my flat in Edinburgh.

* Mr Angus for the signed photo of him (unsigned)
* The Western Isles SNP for the glow in the dark Transformers pyjamas
* Lewis SNP for the matching Transformers slippers
* The Stornoway Gazette for the final draft of my press releases for January
* Donnie Gazette for writing my diary for publication in the New Year edition
* Kenny for the monogrammed castrating shears
* The Western Isles Young Scottish Nationalists for the Alex Salmond colouring book and crayons
* My office staff for the lavender scented handkerchief set and an annual membership of Club Ego, which appears to be some sort of male club
* Back Gaelic choir for the tuning fork and the book on solo singing
* The Convener of the Comhairle for the detailed map of Stornoway, with the Council buildings highlighted
* A full list of my forthcoming voting record for 2008 and beyond from Mr Alex
* A card from MWT wondering when I was going to deliver the promised windfarm referendum

In addition Rhona sent the wrong card to me. I'm not who it was intended for, but the very rude and filthy descriptions of her last visit to London meant I couldn't get past the first sentence without blushing. Her real card was forwarded to me by Mr Angus.

There may be more presents waiting for me in Lewis, but I will collect them when I travel there in February.

Queen's Christmas message

2007-12-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

This time of year the only thing I want to do is to be with those I represent and love, so that we can enjoy the real meaning of Christmas.

I am therefore spending the three week long Xmas holidays in SNP HQ trying to catch the eye of Mr Alex in the hope he will speak to me.

Thankfully, I have not had to go to Stornaway for a few weeks and with any luck I won't need to go back there before February.

SNP HQ was showing the first version of the New Year message from Mr Alex on constant replay on every TV screen and computer monitor, and we were encouraged to compulsorily take a copy away and play it 3pm on Christmas day as a prelude to Mr Alex taking over the Scottish Broadcasting Corporation in time for next year.

Rumour has it that one of the members had made some comments about the film, but I know it cannot be true as his name is not in the record of members and his supposed desk has obviously been occupied by a "Mr Salmon Alexander" for a long time. I don't know quite why Mr Alex drew attention to the industrial shredder working overtime in the backyard during his speech about loyalty.

His rousing call to absolute obedience was met with ecstatic approval and applause every time the cue cards were lifted by Ms Nicola, whose friendly Rottweiler only savaged a few minor Councillors.

We pledged utter loyalty to the SNP before being taken for our annual appraisal, where after being strip searched and hosed-down we were given an audience with Mr Alex. I was rewarded for my unfailing unquestioning obedience by a promise that no part of the file kept by HQ would be released to anyone this year - I didn't know they had THOSE photos, and I am told that if I work hard in 2008, 2009 and 2010 I may be given the negatives.

MSPs met: 7
Dog bites: 1
Viewing of Mr Alex's message: 438

Dnld Tr*mp

2007-12-21T08:07:00.000-08:00

As part of the Committee asked to investigate the golf course proposed for Aberdeenshire I value my independence of thought and clarity of thought and ability to understand and comprehend difficult and complex issues, with only the minimum of guidance from HQ.

Using the vast experience and understanding of the planning system that I have demonstrated in dealing with the Lewis Wind Farm proposal I am perfect for the key role I will play in the Committees deliberations.

I have already laid the ground for my future Chairmanship of this key Committee - now known as the Mary Trump Committee for Local Government Whitewash and Communities for Millionaires - by issuing the following statement:

Alasdair Allan calls on all MSPs, MPs, Councillors, Journalists and members of the public to desist from interfering in the crucial and independent Parliamentary investigation. At this time the making of scurrilous and unfounded allegations by Nicol Stephen and repeated by those who do not know the full facts will only prolong the anguish of those who have been falsely accused by muck-racking journalists reporting the facts. It is crucial that the Committee investigate the crucial documents that are being prepared at the moment and that the crucial decision to clear Mr Salmond is taken objectively and quickly, so that he can move on to ensuring that permission is granted to Mr Tramp.

Kenny tells me that this might be my finest hour. I modestly tell him that HQ had no input whatsoever to the final version of the press statement and that I have eaten and shredded the draft they sent and that I expect my abilities to be recognised in the next reshuffle, or perhaps the next decade.

Journalists spoken to: 3
Gaelic words spoken on Radio nan Gaidheal: 666
Snubs to local organisations: 1

Servicing

2007-12-14T03:22:00.000-08:00

I received a message from Mr Bruce the Chief Whip that I have to attend a reprogramming course before Christmas as apparently I have been 'off message' in some areas.

We have a group hug in the office, and tears are shed as I consider the implications of the message, and fear and trepidation sets in. I cannot think why I am being called in as I have done everything that I have been asked and nothing more, absolutely nothing more. I think that I must be carrying the can for the Council not doing as I pleaded with them, and causing problems for the Government by asking questions, when they should know better.

Kenny passes me a note that reads "The office might be bugged by HQ" and we sneak outside and into his car to discuss matters in a fug of cigarette smoke and surrounded by fleeces and half-eaten guga suppers still in their wrappers. He has heard from reliable sources, that we are to be taken in to be reprogrammed to forget the words "Donald Trump" and to be taught how to avoid discussing the issue. This is frightening but I know it will be for the best, as the media (except for the ever reliable Stornoway Gazette) have acted irresponsibility on this matter, and I intend to table a motion in Parliament proposing their nationalisation under the direct editorial control of Mr Alex, which should solve these problems.

Gaelic words spoken: 745
Passive cigarettes smoked: 41
Days in power: 223

Bridge Centre - an open letter

2007-12-09T03:11:00.000-08:00

Cllr Donald John MacSween
Point
Isle of Lewis
Europe
The World
The Milky Way
The Galaxy

Dear John

As I look out my office window on my ~~occasional~~ ~~regular~~ daily visits to the island the sun is blocked by the new building you are building on the building site across the road.

It has being built for a long time now, and it looks like it must be almost ready apart from the bits that aren't.

I am writing to advise that the Minister has gracefully accepted my invitation to open the new building you are building whenever it is completed, or on his next visit to the islands, whichever is most convenient for him and me.

Please let me know how graceful you are for all the funding provided by the SNP since when we were elected and how honoured the Committee will be to be allowed to call the building the Alex Salmond for First Minster Centre for Public Joy and Happiness. I have had a road sign made in anticipation.

Yours in the spirit of anti-Unionism

pp Alasdair Allan

p.s. Are you any relation to the Labour candidate?

Health Board review

2007-12-04T01:45:00.000-08:00

Ms Nicola was in Stornoway today, and the smell of fear and excitement in the office was palpable.

Poor Alan spent most of the morning in the toilet, as his nerves seem to have got the better of him, and he was scared about meeting her. But so was I as the last time we had a Ministerial visit the Council tried to spoil it by discussing matters of policy when they had been told to just sit back and do as they are told and listen to the Minister. I met with the Vice-Convener of the Council and showed him the relevant instructions in my top-secret MSP handbook (SNP edition) which reads as follows

114. Backbench MSPs will not engage in independent thought.
115. During a Ministerial visit, you will not ask any questions, unless these have been provided to you before hand.

And I showed him the list of penalties for such Breaches which are contained in Appendix A and Appendix B and Appendix C.

Mr Angus inquired if Ms Nicola was going to be dressed as a nurse when she gave the Annual Review, but a loud growl from Rhona soon silenced him. Alan then gave a low growl and disappeared into the toilet with some hankies, as his stomach was obviously playing up again.

I took Ms Nicola and Mr Angus to the Health Board, with Ms Nicola guiding me in detail on the complex and long journey from the Airport. It is amazing that she knows the streets of Stornoway so well, but I suppose that is one of these things you must learn to become depute Leader, and I now know just how much more I have to study the street signs on my next visit to Stornoway. Ms Nicola even spoke to me as I drove as she humouressly inquired if I was ever going to get out of second gear.

I was allowed to carry her bags and sit in the corridor waiting for her and Mr Angus to finish the important business that they had, and the subsequent press release made it very clear that I had a key role in the whole process, whatever is actually going on, and that Ms Nicola would keep me fully informed about her decisions after she takes them.

But - Oh! Joy! - I was given a question to ask in Ms Nicola in the Parliament about her visit, which shows just how important I am to the process, even though I don't understand the detail fully

Q (Albert Allen) Can the Minster deign to update the Parliament on the calls for an independent inquiry into the finances of Western Isles Health Board?
A (Depute Leaderene Ms Sturgeon MSP) I am grateful to Mr Alan Angus for raising such an important matter. I haven't decided where to shift the blame to yet, but when I decide what I am doing, I will make sure that he gets the Press Release at the same time as everyone else.

Donnie at the Stornoway Gazette already has the headline set in 92 point bold "MSP saves Health Board" so I look forward to a triumphal issue on Thursday.

Gaelic words spoken: 47
Boxes of hankies used by Alan: 3
Wrong turns on trip from Airport to Health Board: 17

St Andrews Night

2007-12-01T03:07:00.000-08:00

It is important that Scotland marks St Andrews Day in the manner advised by Mr Alex, as our national saint is important to the cultural heritage of Scots and anti-windfarm protesters alike.

Therefore, the local Branch have cancelled our annual St Andrews Night dinner and celebration as neither Mr Angus nor I could be bothered to attend.

Shortbread eaten: 1 slice
Drams of whisky consumed: None
Meetings with constituents: None

Advertising

2007-11-28T02:12:00.000-08:00

I have decided to improve the advertising in the Stornoway Gazette for my surgeries by including contact details such as a phone number for constituents to reach me at Mr Angus' office.

I have also asked the Stornoway Gazette to ensure that the adverts are placed in the Public Notices section rather than the Livestock section, as I think more of my constituents will find it there.

This is in NO WAY connected to the comment by Voldemort on my previous advert. No in the slightest, as I haven't ever seen it or discussed it in detail, and I didn't encourage people to post dismissive comments, and I was always intending to add my phone number anyway.

Kenny tells me that because I have added the phone number, I will have to ensure the surgery adverts are carried the same week as my visit, so that the public will read about my triumphant visit after it has happened. He explains - reading from a memo - that Mr Angus has recommended that I do not interact with the public on a casual basis, as they may ask difficult questions and if I don't know the answers then I may only cause difficulties for him, and this was an explicit order.

After considering the matter for three seconds, I agree with the expert analysis.

Gaelic words spoken: 1149
Blogs read: None. I do not read any others and certainly not HIS.
Herbal tea consumed: 1 small cup

Sunday ferries

2007-11-26T02:25:00.000-08:00

Alan reports that I am receiving lots of letters from those who are opposing the possible introduction of Sunday ferries to Lewis. It is clear that the Churches have so many people with exactly the same view on the issue that the letters are identical, except for the name and address obviously, and I am now convinced that they are in the majority as the letters tell me so. I have consulted widely with the SNP Group (Continuing) in the form of Cllr Murdo MacLeod, who authored many of the letters, and has advised me not to speak to the official SNP Group as they might simply confuse me.

I have decided to get fully behind the campaign by saying nothing to indicate my view on the issue one way or another. I'm considering pledging a referendum on the matter for my re-election campaign.

I have decided to write to the Minister to ask his advice on how to avoid this issue and get him to instruct CalMac to help me with this problem. Kenny points out that the Minister effectively owns CalMac, but I patiently explain to him that that is not how Ministerial non-accountability works.

I don't know why ferries are such a big issue. I see the ferry every week, as I fly over it on Parliamentary expenses. On the rare occasions that I am in Lewis over the weekend, I know that there are plenty of flights in and out to keep the public happy.

Letters received: 367 copies of the same anti-Sunday ferry letter
Calls from constituents: 1
Expenses claimed: £4,267