Christmas presents

I'd really like to thank all my friends for the thoughtful presents they sent to me for Christmas. It was lovely to open all of them as I sat in my flat in Edinburgh.

* Mr Angus for the signed photo of him (unsigned)
* The Western Isles SNP for the glow in the dark Transformers pyjamas
* Lewis SNP for the matching Transformers slippers
* The Stornoway Gazette for the final draft of my press releases for January
* Donnie Gazette for writing my diary for publication in the New Year edition
* Kenny for the monogrammed castrating shears
* The Western Isles Young Scottish Nationalists for the Alex Salmond colouring book and crayons
* My office staff for the lavender scented handkerchief set and an annual membership of Club Ego, which appears to be some sort of male club
* Back Gaelic choir for the tuning fork and the book on solo singing
* The Convener of the Comhairle for the detailed map of Stornoway, with the Council buildings highlighted
* A full list of my forthcoming voting record for 2008 and beyond from Mr Alex
* A card from MWT wondering when I was going to deliver the promised windfarm referendum

In addition Rhona sent the wrong card to me. I'm not who it was intended for, but the very rude and filthy descriptions of her last visit to London meant I couldn't get past the first sentence without blushing. Her real card was forwarded to me by Mr Angus.

There may be more presents waiting for me in Lewis, but I will collect them when I travel there in February.

Queen's Christmas message

This time of year the only thing I want to do is to be with those I represent and love, so that we can enjoy the real meaning of Christmas.

I am therefore spending the three week long Xmas holidays in SNP HQ trying to catch the eye of Mr Alex in the hope he will speak to me.

Thankfully, I have not had to go to Stornaway for a few weeks and with any luck I won't need to go back there before February.

SNP HQ was showing the first version of the New Year message from Mr Alex on constant replay on every TV screen and computer monitor, and we were encouraged to compulsorily take a copy away and play it 3pm on Christmas day as a prelude to Mr Alex taking over the Scottish Broadcasting Corporation in time for next year.

Rumour has it that one of the members had made some comments about the film, but I know it cannot be true as his name is not in the record of members and his supposed desk has obviously been occupied by a "Mr Salmon Alexander" for a long time. I don't know quite why Mr Alex drew attention to the industrial shredder working overtime in the backyard during his speech about loyalty.

His rousing call to absolute obedience was met with ecstatic approval and applause every time the cue cards were lifted by Ms Nicola, whose friendly Rottweiler only savaged a few minor Councillors.

We pledged utter loyalty to the SNP before being taken for our annual appraisal, where after being strip searched and hosed-down we were given an audience with Mr Alex. I was rewarded for my unfailing unquestioning obedience by a promise that no part of the file kept by HQ would be released to anyone this year - I didn't know they had THOSE photos, and I am told that if I work hard in 2008, 2009 and 2010 I may be given the negatives.

MSPs met: 7
Dog bites: 1
Viewing of Mr Alex's message: 438

D*n*ld Tr*mp

As part of the Committee asked to investigate the golf course proposed for Aberdeenshire I value my independence of thought and clarity of thought and ability to understand and comprehend difficult and complex issues, with only the minimum of guidance from HQ.

Using the vast experience and understanding of the planning system that I have demonstrated in dealing with the Lewis Wind Farm proposal I am perfect for the key role I will play in the Committees deliberations.

I have already laid the ground for my future Chairmanship of this key Committee - now known as the Mary Trump Committee for Local Government Whitewash and Communities for Millionaires - by issuing the following statement:

Alasdair Allan calls on all MSPs, MPs, Councillors, Journalists and members of the public to desist from interfering in the crucial and independent Parliamentary investigation. At this time the making of scurrilous and unfounded allegations by Nicol Stephen and repeated by those who do not know the full facts will only prolong the anguish of those who have been falsely accused by muck-racking journalists reporting the facts. It is crucial that the Committee investigate the crucial documents that are being prepared at the moment and that the crucial decision to clear Mr Salmond is taken objectively and quickly, so that he can move on to ensuring that permission is granted to Mr Tramp.

Kenny tells me that this might be my finest hour. I modestly tell him that HQ had no input whatsoever to the final version of the press statement and that I have eaten and shredded the draft they sent and that I expect my abilities to be recognised in the next reshuffle, or perhaps the next decade.

Journalists spoken to: 3
Gaelic words spoken on Radio nan Gaidheal: 666
Snubs to local organisations: 1

Cllr Charles Nicholson

Cllr Nicholson is a newly elected Councillor on the Comhairle, but he and I are the victims of a most unpleasant, motiveless and malicious hoax.

I have known Cllr Nicholson for some time and I value his intelligence and his insights into the voluntary and youth sectors of the Western Isles which I am sure he will pass on to me if we ever meet.

Chazza, as he is known to everyone on the islands, is also a member of the Bridge Centre management committee and I have been told that at the most recent meeting he was fully supportive of the plan detailed in my letter below to allow me to open the centre, supported by the Minister, and to name the premises after the First Minister. However, this proposal was maliciously undermined by some of the other members of the committee who contrived to persuade Chas that this blog was in some way a spoof and that he should not pay any attention to my letter. Poor Chuck got into such a muddle that my proposal was was lost in what was obviously a pro-Unionist clique of windfarm supporters who are obviously all inbred cousins of The Donald.

On one of my occasional visits to Stornoway next year, I will be writing to Charles telling him that THIS IS NOT A SPOOF BLOG and that he should not listen to the imbeciles who suggest otherwise, and would he like to join my re-election campaign team. He can also become my second contact within the Comhairle to keep an eye on the SNP Group and report their mis-thoughts to me, so I can finalise the expulsion dossiers.

Blogs read: 1 (mine!)
Instructions received from HQ: 347 (All acted upon)
Contact from constituents: 0

Servicing

I received a message from Mr Bruce the Chief Whip that I have to attend a reprogramming course before Christmas as apparently I have been 'off message' in some areas.

We have a group hug in the office, and tears are shed as I consider the implications of the message, and fear and trepidation sets in. I cannot think why I am being called in as I have done everything that I have been asked and nothing more, absolutely nothing more. I think that I must be carrying the can for the Council not doing as I pleaded with them, and causing problems for the Government by asking questions, when they should know better.

Kenny passes me a note that reads "The office might be bugged by HQ" and we sneak outside and into his car to discuss matters in a fug of cigarette smoke and surrounded by fleeces and half-eaten guga suppers still in their wrappers. He has heard from reliable sources, that we are to be taken in to be reprogrammed to forget the words "Donald Trump" and to be taught how to avoid discussing the issue. This is frightening but I know it will be for the best, as the media (except for the ever reliable Stornoway Gazette) have acted irresponsibility on this matter, and I intend to table a motion in Parliament proposing their nationalisation under the direct editorial control of Mr Alex, which should solve these problems.

Gaelic words spoken: 745
Passive cigarettes smoked: 41
Days in power: 223

Bridge Centre - an open letter

Cllr Donald John MacSween
Point
Isle of Lewis
Europe
The World
The Milky Way
The Galaxy

Dear John

As I look out my office window on my occasional regular daily visits to the island the sun is blocked by the new building you are building on the building site across the road.

It has being built for a long time now, and it looks like it must be almost ready apart from the bits that aren't.

I am writing to advise that the Minister has gracefully accepted my invitation to open the new building you are building whenever it is completed, or on his next visit to the islands, whichever is most convenient for him and me.

Please let me know how graceful you are for all the funding provided by the SNP since when we were elected and how honoured the Committee will be to be allowed to call the building the Alex Salmond for First Minster Centre for Public Joy and Happiness. I have had a road sign made in anticipation.

Yours in the spirit of anti-Unionism

pp Alasdair Allan

p.s. Are you any relation to the Labour candidate?

Health Board review

Ms Nicola was in Stornoway today, and the smell of fear and excitement in the office was palpable.

Poor Alan spent most of the morning in the toilet, as his nerves seem to have got the better of him, and he was scared about meeting her. But so was I as the last time we had a Ministerial visit the Council tried to spoil it by discussing matters of policy when they had been told to just sit back and do as they are told and listen to the Minister. I met with the Vice-Convener of the Council and showed him the relevant instructions in my top-secret MSP handbook (SNP edition) which reads as follows

114. Backbench MSPs will not engage in independent thought.
115. During a Ministerial visit, you will not ask any questions, unless these have been provided to you before hand.

And I showed him the list of penalties for such Breaches which are contained in Appendix A and Appendix B and Appendix C.

Mr Angus inquired if Ms Nicola was going to be dressed as a nurse when she gave the Annual Review, but a loud growl from Rhona soon silenced him. Alan then gave a low growl and disappeared into the toilet with some hankies, as his stomach was obviously playing up again.

I took Ms Nicola and Mr Angus to the Health Board, with Ms Nicola guiding me in detail on the complex and long journey from the Airport. It is amazing that she knows the streets of Stornoway so well, but I suppose that is one of these things you must learn to become depute Leader, and I now know just how much more I have to study the street signs on my next visit to Stornoway. Ms Nicola even spoke to me as I drove as she humouressly inquired if I was ever going to get out of second gear.

I was allowed to carry her bags and sit in the corridor waiting for her and Mr Angus to finish the important business that they had, and the subsequent press release made it very clear that I had a key role in the whole process, whatever is actually going on, and that Ms Nicola would keep me fully informed about her decisions after she takes them.

But - Oh! Joy! - I was given a question to ask in Ms Nicola in the Parliament about her visit, which shows just how important I am to the process, even though I don't understand the detail fully

Q (Albert Allen) Can the Minster deign to update the Parliament on the calls for an independent inquiry into the finances of Western Isles Health Board?
A (Depute Leaderene Ms Sturgeon MSP) I am grateful to Mr Alan Angus for raising such an important matter. I haven't decided where to shift the blame to yet, but when I decide what I am doing, I will make sure that he gets the Press Release at the same time as everyone else.

Donnie at the Stornoway Gazette already has the headline set in 92 point bold "MSP saves Health Board" so I look forward to a triumphal issue on Thursday.

Gaelic words spoken: 47
Boxes of hankies used by Alan: 3
Wrong turns on trip from Airport to Health Board: 17

St Andrews Night

It is important that Scotland marks St Andrews Day in the manner advised by Mr Alex, as our national saint is important to the cultural heritage of Scots and anti-windfarm protesters alike.

Therefore, the local Branch have cancelled our annual St Andrews Night dinner and celebration as neither Mr Angus nor I could be bothered to attend.

Shortbread eaten: 1 slice
Drams of whisky consumed: None
Meetings with constituents: None