D*n*ld Tr*mp

As part of the Committee asked to investigate the golf course proposed for Aberdeenshire I value my independence of thought and clarity of thought and ability to understand and comprehend difficult and complex issues, with only the minimum of guidance from HQ.

Using the vast experience and understanding of the planning system that I have demonstrated in dealing with the Lewis Wind Farm proposal I am perfect for the key role I will play in the Committees deliberations.

I have already laid the ground for my future Chairmanship of this key Committee - now known as the Mary Trump Committee for Local Government Whitewash and Communities for Millionaires - by issuing the following statement:

Alasdair Allan calls on all MSPs, MPs, Councillors, Journalists and members of the public to desist from interfering in the crucial and independent Parliamentary investigation. At this time the making of scurrilous and unfounded allegations by Nicol Stephen and repeated by those who do not know the full facts will only prolong the anguish of those who have been falsely accused by muck-racking journalists reporting the facts. It is crucial that the Committee investigate the crucial documents that are being prepared at the moment and that the crucial decision to clear Mr Salmond is taken objectively and quickly, so that he can move on to ensuring that permission is granted to Mr Tramp.

Kenny tells me that this might be my finest hour. I modestly tell him that HQ had no input whatsoever to the final version of the press statement and that I have eaten and shredded the draft they sent and that I expect my abilities to be recognised in the next reshuffle, or perhaps the next decade.

Journalists spoken to: 3
Gaelic words spoken on Radio nan Gaidheal: 666
Snubs to local organisations: 1