Queen's Christmas message

This time of year the only thing I want to do is to be with those I represent and love, so that we can enjoy the real meaning of Christmas.

I am therefore spending the three week long Xmas holidays in SNP HQ trying to catch the eye of Mr Alex in the hope he will speak to me.

Thankfully, I have not had to go to Stornaway for a few weeks and with any luck I won't need to go back there before February.

SNP HQ was showing the first version of the New Year message from Mr Alex on constant replay on every TV screen and computer monitor, and we were encouraged to compulsorily take a copy away and play it 3pm on Christmas day as a prelude to Mr Alex taking over the Scottish Broadcasting Corporation in time for next year.

Rumour has it that one of the members had made some comments about the film, but I know it cannot be true as his name is not in the record of members and his supposed desk has obviously been occupied by a "Mr Salmon Alexander" for a long time. I don't know quite why Mr Alex drew attention to the industrial shredder working overtime in the backyard during his speech about loyalty.

His rousing call to absolute obedience was met with ecstatic approval and applause every time the cue cards were lifted by Ms Nicola, whose friendly Rottweiler only savaged a few minor Councillors.

We pledged utter loyalty to the SNP before being taken for our annual appraisal, where after being strip searched and hosed-down we were given an audience with Mr Alex. I was rewarded for my unfailing unquestioning obedience by a promise that no part of the file kept by HQ would be released to anyone this year - I didn't know they had THOSE photos, and I am told that if I work hard in 2008, 2009 and 2010 I may be given the negatives.

MSPs met: 7
Dog bites: 1
Viewing of Mr Alex's message: 438