Advertising

I have decided to improve the advertising in the Stornoway Gazette for my surgeries by including contact details such as a phone number for constituents to reach me at Mr Angus' office.

I have also asked the Stornoway Gazette to ensure that the adverts are placed in the Public Notices section rather than the Livestock section, as I think more of my constituents will find it there.

This is in NO WAY connected to the comment by Voldemort on my previous advert. No in the slightest, as I haven't ever seen it or discussed it in detail, and I didn't encourage people to post dismissive comments, and I was always intending to add my phone number anyway.

Kenny tells me that because I have added the phone number, I will have to ensure the surgery adverts are carried the same week as my visit, so that the public will read about my triumphant visit after it has happened. He explains - reading from a memo - that Mr Angus has recommended that I do not interact with the public on a casual basis, as they may ask difficult questions and if I don't know the answers then I may only cause difficulties for him, and this was an explicit order.

After considering the matter for three seconds, I agree with the expert analysis.

Gaelic words spoken: 1149
Blogs read: None. I do not read any others and certainly not HIS.
Herbal tea consumed: 1 small cup

Sunday ferries

Alan reports that I am receiving lots of letters from those who are opposing the possible introduction of Sunday ferries to Lewis. It is clear that the Churches have so many people with exactly the same view on the issue that the letters are identical, except for the name and address obviously, and I am now convinced that they are in the majority as the letters tell me so. I have consulted widely with the SNP Group (Continuing) in the form of Cllr Murdo MacLeod, who authored many of the letters, and has advised me not to speak to the official SNP Group as they might simply confuse me.

I have decided to get fully behind the campaign by saying nothing to indicate my view on the issue one way or another. I'm considering pledging a referendum on the matter for my re-election campaign.

I have decided to write to the Minister to ask his advice on how to avoid this issue and get him to instruct CalMac to help me with this problem. Kenny points out that the Minister effectively owns CalMac, but I patiently explain to him that that is not how Ministerial non-accountability works.

I don't know why ferries are such a big issue. I see the ferry every week, as I fly over it on Parliamentary expenses. On the rare occasions that I am in Lewis over the weekend, I know that there are plenty of flights in and out to keep the public happy.

Letters received: 367 copies of the same anti-Sunday ferry letter
Calls from constituents: 1
Expenses claimed: £4,267

Seachd - the inaccessible film

When I launched my campaign to have Seachd adopted by BAFTA as the indigenous language film to represent the UK at the Oscars, many people thought I was jumping on a Gaelic bandwagon.

I asked a piercing and incisive question of the Minister

S3W-5072 - Alasdair Allan (Western Isles) (SNP) (Date Lodged 3 October 2007) : To ask the Scottish Executive what representations it has made to the British Academy of Film and Television Awards (BAFTA) about the criteria for nominations for Best Foreign Language film at the Oscars, in light of BAFTA’s decision to nominate no films in this category despite the Scottish Gaelic film, Seachd, being put forward for nomination.
Answered by Linda Fabiani (25 October 2007): I share the disappointment felt by many that Seachd was not put forward by BAFTA as the UK entry for the Best Foreign Language Film at the Oscars. Whilst the Scottish Government has no direct influence over the decision making process, the First Minister has written to BAFTA UK on this issue expressing our disappointment. I understand that the film has received many positive reviews and has been selected for the Rome and Vancouver Film Festivals, I wish it every success at these prestigious events and I hope audiences across Scotland, and more widely, continue to enjoy Seachd.

So it was clear that this tremendous film was an important milestone for the Gaelic language, and with my support and the popular acclaim in Scotland it was going far. So it proved this weekend when it achieved a monumental third place in the Scottish Baftas, beaten only by the two other nominees, and despite having disappeared from all public cinemas after extremely disappointing box offices. If only BAFTA had listen to me and Mr Alex and had put it forward for the Oscar's there would have been a real chance of the film beating the entries from Burkino Faso and Outer Mongolia to show just how important Gaelic is on the world stage and shown that we wouldn't look like idiots for supporting an unsuccessful, inaccessible and poor film.

I was so pleased with the outcome, I poured myself a small caffeine and tanin free tea, and went to bed early.

Gaelic films supported - 1
Grey suits owned - 3
Hair gel used - 1 tub (small)

Meeting with the Minister

I met with Mr Stewart this week to press home the case for the continuation of the Air Discount Scheme by asking him some difficult questions that he had written for me in advance.

As I told Kenny later, it all went downhill after the first question, "Your munificence, praise be to Salmond, can you please tell me what good news I can bring to the people of the Western Isles, who hold you in such high esteem, but still well below the awe in which they view our First Minister, and no mistake?"

"Shut it!", he said, "This is party political or you would have been invited to Victoria Quay to try to say something vaguely sensible in front of the civil servants. I'm going to have to answer the FoI request and you're going to be hung out to dry because of your failure to ask anything sensible."

At this I nearly choked, remembering Kenny's warning that Voldemort had been asking questions of the Executive about what I had done to ensure ADS would stay. I can't remember doing anything, so he shouldn't have anything to find, but somehow Kenny thinks this mights be bad.

"Smile!", he growled, "And issue this press release, and if you are lucky I might discuss ADS further within the department." And with that I was escorted out and into the lift. A huge
success for me, as I am sure the Gazette will report.

Ministers met (and touched!) - 1
Airmiles earned this month - 400
Gaelic words spoken to Minister and his minders - 0

The Budget

The budget was a rousing success, as I told Mr Angus so that he could issue a press statement about the events in the Chamber. Kenny was given a copy later, and changed it to include my name before sending it to the same journalists. And they say I play second fiddle to Mr Angus!

Mr John’s slogans and themes were ringing in my ears all last night as we new MSPs leftt he chamber chanting the snappy core message which encapuslates the promises Mr John will deliver, “Healthier, Wealthier, Faster, Smarter, Longer, Wider, Greener, Younger, Drier, Thinner, Soberer, Hungrier, Sunnier.”

He met everyone of my aspirations, it said in the press release that HQ have written for me, except for the absence of any mention of Gaelic. And not much money for RET. And nothing for the islands. And I really didn’t understand the rest, although the email sent to me before the announcement was very clear that I was to applaud when told to do so, and not talk to the press about anything I didn’t understand, which is why I have told Kenny to take messages from any journalists who phone, and not promise that I will return the call. Kenny laughed, “You think that they will call you?” which I think means he will filter the calls.

Gaelic TV

I am so very cross with the BBC for not supporting without reservation the creation of the digital Gaelic BBC channel that I can barely speak.

Kenny is raging, quietly, rocking gently in the window of the office and staring at passers by with a look of sheer anger and contempt. Some of the party members have already commented that Kenny reminds them of the Bates Motel, a reference I do not understand. He can only mumble a few words in Gaelic, mainly about sheep, and staggers out to have a fag every fifteen minutes. He is supposed to hand out leaflets to potential voters and to engage with potential voters but the fug of smoke and his incessant rambling, allied to the cursing and swearing about the latest developments, I feel may be counter productive.

Rhona is constantly phoning Mr Angus, and between giggles is loudly cursing in words I still cannot find in the dictionary in either English or Gaelic. Mr Angus is sure that the latest decision is a deliberate attempt to get at him, and he feels that an important, cutting and incisive press release might be necessary. Rhona will do that sometime next week, but in the meantime we have spoken to our mole in the Gazette who will ensure that our views are carried even before we issue the statement.

I intend to write to the Minister, in Gaelic, demanding that such public consultations are a nonsense and that he should respect the views of the majority as reflected in the opinion of the elected representative, irrespective of what others say, or common sense dictates, and without consideration of the cost to the public purse or the public good, or without considering legal obligations or financial constraints, and do as Mr Angus has promised his constituents he will deliver. Even though he was never in the position to do so, and hasn't really tried to achieve it, or met with the relevant bodies, or done much beyond issuing press releases.

I am so irate I will have to have another cup of camomile tea, which Rhona advises is very relaxing after a session with a politician. She is right as I snooze, satisfied, thinking of Mr Angus.

TV channels cancelled: 1
Angry Gaelic words spoken to Kenny: 23
Fags smoked by Kenny: 85 (full-strength with filters ripped off)

Satire

I'm appalled that the Stornoway Gazette has lowered itself to satire by employing a 'journalist' to write a satirical column supposedly written by me.

Any fool could tell that it was not written by me as it was too boring, dull, uninteresting, repetitive, tedious, tiresome, uninteresting, grey, dreary, a celebration of the mundane, fawning, repetitive, uninspiring, lacklustre, mind-numbing, repetitive, long-winded, banal, dreary, humdrum, monotonous, repetitive, vapid, pointless, stodgy, bromidic, repetitive, joyless, protracted, obtuse, moronic, repetitive, pompous, overblown, irritating, repetitive nonsense.

I had to check with Kenny that he had not cut and pasted my memos into an unauthorised press release to the Gazette, before I phoned to complain. Kenny confirmed that he would never dare allow anyone outside the office to see any of my memos to protect me from public contempt, and that taking the initiative was not in his job description. I was delighted to hear this as it meant that Mr Angus was still able to ensure that both Kenny and I did what he expected, and didn't do anything stupid like thinking for ourselves. We both sought confirmation from Rhona that we were doing the right thing, and after a very giggly whispered conversation with Mr Angus she told us that we were not in trouble. Not this week anyway.

Press releases issued by Mr Angus: 3
Cut and paste press releases with my name: 3
Conversations with journalists: 0

Welcome for Harris Tweed moves

Angus MacNeil Alasdair Allan welcomes the acquisition of the mill in Shawbost. Angus MacNeil Alasdair Alan has been working closely with Iain Tailor since yesterday and providing advice to Brain Wilson as and when he has required it to ensure that the deal went through.

Speaking from (fill in somewhere plausible) Lewis, Mr MacNeil Mr Allan said, I have spoken to weavers at some time in the past and I think this is a good thing.

This clearly demonstrates that Alex Salmond in his role as Leader of the SNP First Minister is having a direct and immediate impact on the economy of the Western Isles. Said Mr MacNeil Mr Allan, "Mr Salmond teleported to Shawbost at dawn on 4th May and has been working furiously on this deal 38 hours a day, whilst a body double and a holographic system has allowed him to appear to be in Edinburgh and other places."

"Mr Allan/Mr MacNeil [delete as applicable] has done a power of working behind the scenes in securing this deal since the day after it was announced, and I look forward to speaking to Ewen Taylor, when he comes to congratulate me on my efforts."

"Alex Salmond promised full employment for everyone in Scotland as Police Officers or Primary school teachers, and then taking Alasdair Morrison out of the ranks of the unemployed shows Mr Salmond's skill, dedication, commitment and utter compassion for those less fortunate in society. Let the plight of Mr Morrison be a warning to other who consider standing for the Labour Party."

Note for editors
For further information about the glorious role we played in this matter, please fax any other press releases to the office to let us claim the credit. [Gazette: You already have the script, thanks]

Naughty phone calls

Kenny is furious and is threatening not to answer the phone any more.

After my masterful appearance on Isles FM on Friday, and my promise that the 30 mile journey would be funded by RET, a lot of people have phoned asking what happens after the ferry reaches the 30 mile point? And do they have to swim the last 20 miles or are CalMac going to charge £100 per car for the final leg?

It was simple mistake to make, after all how am I expected to know anything about ferries or distances or travel when I have only ever flown over the ferry on my expenses paid travel. And seen it tied up at night in Stornoway once, when I was looking at street signs.

I tell Kenny to get back to work, as I am writing a letter to JK Rowling wanting to know why she hasn't published her book in Gaelic yet, and asking for a translation for Voldemort.

Incessantly ringing phones: 3
Distance across the Minch: 50 miles
Gaelic translations of Harry Potter: Zero

The local media

I am almost apoplectic this week with anger at the Stornoway Gazette, Isles FM and the West Highland Free Press for reporting such glaring lies about what I am supposed to have done or said.

The WHFP, which as everyone knows is the mouthpiece of Brian Wilson who you think would know better after Mr Alex won the election despite the WHFP offering no support to any SNP candidates in any way. I know that Brian Wilson left the House of Commons after becoming bored with sitting on the backbenches and being unable to influence Government policy. How pathetic is that. I will be happy to stay on the backbenches for the rest of my life and do exactly what I am told without any expectation of influencing Government policy, which is precisely the difference between Brian Wilson and I!

Last week they printed a mischievously, wrong and totally false story about my attempts to get Voldemort ("He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named") expelled from the SNP using as evidence nothing more than some of the emails I sent to SNP HQ based on stories told to Cathy MacInnes by her husband who just happens to be the Chief Reporter in the Stornoway Gazette. That my claims were without substance is neither here nor there, as the emails clearly demonstrate that the facts were not the issue. How dare they use these emails which were private, confidential and embarassing and without giving me the chance to make any comment about the matter to set the record straight. That I refuse to answer questions on the matter is not the point.

I was so angry about that horrible behaviour by the WHFP to use facts to prove a case, that when I was told by Bunter that Voldemort had been on Isles FM, and may have talked about some things that were less than complementary about my role in his expulsion. Bunter told me that he thought Voldemort had said other things that attacked the SNP but he couldn't remember them but that I should say something about it. I was so furious that I had to get Alan to phone and plead with the directors to allow me to get the chance to put my case. How dare they not tell me how their guests are going to be so that I can decide if they need to prevent them coming on air before we know what they are going to say.

The threats worked. Alan was in tears after nearly five minutes of trying to talk to the directors, so I went for the nuclear option (at this point I would like to make clear that I am anti-nuclear, and totally in favour of renewable energy, as long as it is in someone else's constituency, so I'm not going to say that I went for the wind turbine option, am I?) and told the directors of Isles FM that the sponsor of the most popular programme on their radio station was threatening to withdraw. Yes, Calum Murdo had told me that after the failure to allow me the chance to respond he was thinking about cancelling his long standing support for "Sheep disease of the day" which is broadcast at 5am in the prime slot for crofters, insomniacs and those trying to catch the ferry. That told them!

But before I could sort it all out the Stornoway Gazette had the nerve to deny my claim to SNP HQ that they had leaked information to me about the voting intentions of Voldemort. How dare they! Everyone knows that Donnie MacInnes was passing all the political stories to me, and now this junior reporter who wrote the story is denying that he told me anything. Has he no sense. He's just getting his boss deeper and deeper in trouble, as I didn't lie in the email I sent to HQ telling third hand stories that had no basis in fact. If only anyone knew where Mr Angus was, we could get him to tell us what to say, but there has been no sign of him for many weeks.

With the WHFP and the Gazette both attacking me, poor Alan is constantly sobbing, and I had had to send him home before the office is flooded or before Kenny hits him, again.

Everything went well on Isles FM until Mr X asked me for the details of how RET would work, and I had to stall him which I did magnificently by feigning complete ignorance of the detail of any such scheme or how it would work or how much it would cost or where it would operate, were it to ever be borught in which it might be soon. Not one bit of detail did he manage to get from me, except that the 30 mile crossing over the Minch would probably at some time possibly get RET, but not necessarily at a level equal to the tariff on an equivalent road.

Mr X then had the cheek to point out that the ferry crossing was actually 48 miles, as if he was trying to prove how little I knew about the subject. Alan cried all the way home, as I kept my temper under control by driving at no more than 15 miles per hour, even on the straight bits of road.

Bad journalists: 3
Good journalists: 0
Gaelic swearwords learnt: 1 (but not used!)