Fuel policy

I am a hero for bringing up the cost of fuel as instructed by Mr Alex, Mr Angus and Mr John!

Even Mr Angus is issuing press releases supporting my motion to the Parliament and reminding everyone that he has been raising the issue without any success for many a long year; and that if it weren't for him none of this inaction would have happened.

My triumphal motion reads as follows (translated from the Gaelic):

Since the popular election of Mr Alex by the unanimous vote of the now free people of Scotland and the overthrown of the socialist-fascist regime of Joke McConnell, the NuLab dictatorship in Westminster have attempted to further impoverish the Scots by deliberately levelling excessive taxes on the petrol than we mine. This house notes that in a fair society, all Scots would be entitled to drive their cars as far and as often as they wanted without having to pay for fuel, due to the munificence of the impending Emperor Salmond, and that the proceeds from the gifting of the oil to the voters would be invested wisely in a fund to ensure that the continuing success of Mr Alex is recognised on a global, and indeed inter-planetary, basis by all humans, animals and others alike. Fuel regulator details to be worked out later. France give discounts to rural areas, we want the same, as long as it is paid for by Westminster, not Holyrood. Stornoway Gazette please copy in detail, press release to follow.

I have already had almost 10 signatures supporting my motion which means that there may be some people in the chamber when I speak. I have already written my speech, keeping it topical and factual, from the copy given to me by HQ from the press release they issued when they decided I would front this for the SNP.

Kenny phones to ask if this will reduce his red diesel costs for his tractor; and will it reduce the pinking of the engine in his car if he adds marine gas oil and Spry Crisp & Dry to the petrol? So many questions, so little time! I tell him to ask Rhona, as she knows everything, but he tells me that she is busy deleting personal letters and emails from an ex-employees computer, and may be a few days yet.

Motions moved this week: 1
Laxatives taken: 2 (no effect yet)
Ex-employees seen in Parliament: 1

School closures

With potential school closures in the constituency being a political hot potato ever since Miss Fiona allowed me to carry her bags around the schools, it is very important that I am seen to be objective, unbiased and outside the proposal so I can objectively make unbiased suggestions to Miss Fiona about how she can get even with the Comhairle for embarrassing her - and me! - on her last and only visit.

To that end I have been busy helping Gordon 'Diesel' MacLennan, my former employer, with his campaign of vilification and abuse towards the Comhairle, and put my staff at his disposal, after checking with Mr Angus that this was acceptable to him.

Gordon, myself and Rhona's mum and my former landlady Margaret Martin have been busy with preparing the giant posters for placing in dangerous places on the roads and trying to embarrass senior councillors at their places of business. Not only do I have to keep my involvement secret, but Margarita is a teacher at one of the schools being proposed for closure and cannot be seen to attack her employers. Thankfully, neither of us have any self-interest in the matter; Margarita due to her old age and impending retirement, and me due to the fact that no teachers responded to my request to rise up, bear arms, and overthrow the Council after my letters in September 2007.

With Kenny otherwise occupied washing the fleece of Baaabaaara the ewe, it was up to the three of us to prepare all the signs.

Gordon used all his skill to cut the dies for the posters using oxyacetylene torches on plate sheet, before joining the dies all together to spell out the message. With letters 18 inches high, glistening against the pristine white paper on the A-Board it was a sight to behold.

Margarita then took on the teachers role of checking the spelling, balancing the words, and removing the obscenities, before telling Gordon that the F, C & K in "Shut" were wrong.

Then it was my turn to unwrap the special non-toxic crayons that came with the Teletubbies magazine last week and holding the enormous Beano eraser - featuring Billy Whizz - I set to work colouring in all the letters. What a task they had set me! After only three weekends and a new copy of the Teletubies with crayons that Gordon had kept at the back of the newsagents, instead of returning for a refund, in case of emergencies like this, I was ready. Thankfully the moment hadn't passed, and as the signs were pulled into place I smiled to myself and headed to the plane to go back to civilisation.

I was almost discovered at the airport, when the Convener's wife asked about my lipstick, but a quick visit to the toilets (the Gents!) to remove the red crayon and I was away free, ready to help advise Miss Fiona on her objective policy of annihilation of the Comhairle education chiefs.

Crayons chewed: 6
Red crayons fully used: 17
Number of times drawn outside the lines: 332 (but thanks to Bill the Whizz, no-one will know)

Fishing policy

I have today proclaimed my total support for the new SNP policy to support fishermen, as told to by HQ, and I intend to ensure that all the fishermen in the Western Isles appreciate the hard work and deep though that Mr Alex has put into his seven-point plan announced by Mr Richard:

1. The SNP Government will immediately think about considering to set-up a task force to do something about the fishing industry (details to follow, much later)
2. Subsidies for essential equipment for fishing boats operating from harbours in the constituencies of Mr Alex and Mr Richard (to be extended to other ports in 2020)
3. The SNP will meet with and blame Westminister for fuel prices remaining too high, without the need to propose methods to alleviate this
4. Talk to Europe about potential industry subsidies, despite these being illegal under European law (see 3 above)
5. Mr Alex to invent a new engine that will make fishing boats more fuel efficient
6. SNP Government to legislate for fish to breed and grow faster, quicker and smarter by reducing the number of fish in a shoal from an average of 4,300 to not more than 4,000 by 2030 by the use of early-intervention techniques (to be developed)
7. All log books to be kept in Gaelic or Doric to discourage foreign boats raping the seabed encourage an international approach to the problem.

What a triumph this will be when I announce the proposals at the pier in Achmore tomorrow.

Gaelic words spoken: 17
Fish eaten: None, to preserve stocks
HQ press releases rehashed this week: 7

Attn newsdesks

Press release from Dr Alasdair Allan PhD MA DDT (SNP MSP for the Western Isles)

POST OFFICE CLOSURES

They are a bad thing, and Labour is to blame.

I have headed a virulent and wide ranging campaign against the closures across the constituency with a petition signed by many people (Kenny and Rona) but despite posting it to Mr Brown yesterday from the Post Office in Tong (closed 1998) he has ignored my pleas and mercilessly brutally murdered the Gaelic speaking Postmasters and Postmistresses of the Western Isles as they lay unsuspecting in their beds using a very sharp implement and without any concern for the mess that this will cause on the bedsheets, and ripped the throbbing, beating, heart from the children of these small isolated communities whilst they were outside playing on the swings with their friends, and eating the hearts like a Fife Werewolf in Lewis (I'm writing the film script at the moment in Gaelic for the new digital channel, and it will appear in the register of interests soon) without condiments or concern for the vegetarians who might be watching with binoculars for the next village.

7 May 2008

My first anniversary

To celebrate my first year as a Parliamentarian, Rhona has taken me for a bite to eat in the Woodlands Centre.

What a surprise when I get there, to find that there is also a night out for one of the retirement homes with some 30 pensioners and a handful of their carers! Rhona jokingly tries to persuade me that this is the entire membership of the local SNP, but I can see through her humour, as they gave me a round of applause as I entered, and none of these people are able to string together a sensible sentence, so I can see why anyone else would make a mistake.

I sit quietly in a corner nibbling on a carrot and all-bran rock bun, and drinking some Laspang- souchong and mackerel tea, as Rhona encourages a few of the poor demented individuals to come over and see me. They all seem to know my name, but I suppose that Rhona has told them who I am, and they all ask the same question, "Is Mr Angus coming tonight to make it interesting?"

I sneak outside to escape the smell of denture-fix and rubber underwear (not from Rhona this time!) and find Kenny sitting looking at the stars rising whilst smoking one of his special cigarettes. I stand upwind, to avoid the smell of Lebanese Black marram grass rotting my suit, and watch in an impressed manner as he rolls another cigarette using a Joan Birnie column torn from the Daily Record, some of the finest imported marram, and seals it off with three Royal Mail issue elastic bands. I suspect it may be the latter of those that is oozing into the Woodlands Centre and causing the fitting and collapsing, but Kenny seems strangely immune.

After barely three minutes in his company I feel strangely mellow, and starting to suffer the munchies. I insist that Rhona drive me home and I raid the cupboards for food before getting into my new glow-in-the-dark Iggle Piggle pyjamas.

Tins of sausage and beans eaten: 17
Stars shining on the bedroom ceiling: 2,377
Missing day: Saturday