School closures

With potential school closures in the constituency being a political hot potato ever since Miss Fiona allowed me to carry her bags around the schools, it is very important that I am seen to be objective, unbiased and outside the proposal so I can objectively make unbiased suggestions to Miss Fiona about how she can get even with the Comhairle for embarrassing her - and me! - on her last and only visit.

To that end I have been busy helping Gordon 'Diesel' MacLennan, my former employer, with his campaign of vilification and abuse towards the Comhairle, and put my staff at his disposal, after checking with Mr Angus that this was acceptable to him.

Gordon, myself and Rhona's mum and my former landlady Margaret Martin have been busy with preparing the giant posters for placing in dangerous places on the roads and trying to embarrass senior councillors at their places of business. Not only do I have to keep my involvement secret, but Margarita is a teacher at one of the schools being proposed for closure and cannot be seen to attack her employers. Thankfully, neither of us have any self-interest in the matter; Margarita due to her old age and impending retirement, and me due to the fact that no teachers responded to my request to rise up, bear arms, and overthrow the Council after my letters in September 2007.

With Kenny otherwise occupied washing the fleece of Baaabaaara the ewe, it was up to the three of us to prepare all the signs.

Gordon used all his skill to cut the dies for the posters using oxyacetylene torches on plate sheet, before joining the dies all together to spell out the message. With letters 18 inches high, glistening against the pristine white paper on the A-Board it was a sight to behold.

Margarita then took on the teachers role of checking the spelling, balancing the words, and removing the obscenities, before telling Gordon that the F, C & K in "Shut" were wrong.

Then it was my turn to unwrap the special non-toxic crayons that came with the Teletubbies magazine last week and holding the enormous Beano eraser - featuring Billy Whizz - I set to work colouring in all the letters. What a task they had set me! After only three weekends and a new copy of the Teletubies with crayons that Gordon had kept at the back of the newsagents, instead of returning for a refund, in case of emergencies like this, I was ready. Thankfully the moment hadn't passed, and as the signs were pulled into place I smiled to myself and headed to the plane to go back to civilisation.

I was almost discovered at the airport, when the Convener's wife asked about my lipstick, but a quick visit to the toilets (the Gents!) to remove the red crayon and I was away free, ready to help advise Miss Fiona on her objective policy of annihilation of the Comhairle education chiefs.

Crayons chewed: 6
Red crayons fully used: 17
Number of times drawn outside the lines: 332 (but thanks to Bill the Whizz, no-one will know)