Sale of Work

In the past the Lewis SNP Sale of Work has involved hours and hours of preparation, glad-handing and counting of the money, so it was a privilege to be invited to open it as Mr Angus couldn't be bothered and no-one else was available.

After the doors opened I addressed the massed crowds (Kenny, Rhona and a drunk who wandered in by mistake) for barely fifteen minutes about the magnificence of Mr Alex before declaring the Sale open.

Thankfully I didn't have to spend hours talking to people I don't know as the absence of donations, helpers and the public meant that the Sale was over and done with and the hall cleared within 45 minutes. I was told that we raised the fantastic sum of almost £395.75, €1.72 and a polo mint. After adjusting for the appalling handling of the economy by Alasdair Darling and Gordon Brown and the ravages that their actions have forced upon the islands it compares very favourably with the £1,000 plus we used to raise.

By getting away early, I have been able to concentrate on more important matters and have managed to get a very early flight off the islands and back to civilisation.

Councillors spoken to: 1 (Rev Murdo 'Maroot' MacLeod (Ind) leader of the provisional SNP Group (Continuing))
Donations given: £0
Flights to Edinburgh: £340, paid for by the Parliament.

Energy conference

Mr Jim is delighted with my speech and is lavish in his praise for both Mr Angus and I as he comes off the plane, and even before we have been able to give him an outline of what we intend to say. He is just such an able politician to manage to understand what is going to happen even before it does.

I manage to avoid talking to any Councillors as they will just want to engage me in debate on difficult topics about which they know nothing, and expect me to discuss these issues with them. Today is a day for unmitigated adulation of Mr Jim and the SNP Government, and by extension Mr Angus and I, and there is no way that I am going to let reality intervene.

Mr Jim gives a wonderful speech about how important renewable energy is for the islands and how the sources here are vital for Scotland to achieve the targets that have been set. And how important it is for all the windfarm proposals that he can't talk about must go ahead, despite the ludicrous arguments about birds. As no less a person than Mr Alex has said "Environmental concerns are just that, concerns, and must not be allowed to get in the way of Donald Tr*mp or the developments in Aviemore!"

How I applauded, as that is the message I have been telling everyone who will listen for years, and it was unfortunate that Moorlands Without Turbines had chosen today (as I asked them to) not to attend the meeting to hear the positive words of Mr Jim.

To underline the election winning strategy pursued by Mr Angus and I of opposing jobs, economic regeneration and renewable energy whilst pandering to the newly resident on the islands, Mr Jim left the meeting straight after his speech to spend the rest of the day in discussions with the supporters of the planning applications. One day soon I may have to accept their repeated invitations to meet with them, rather than ignore them in the hope they will go away.

Mr Angus gave a masterful speech which left the audience in shocked silence as he describe his early experiences in engineering, which led him inexorably to taking his PhD in the subject, and how he built the first renewable power station in Barra when he was a boy, using nothing but tractor parts and powered by seaweed. He reminded his audience that the entire population of Barra - Neil MacNeil, Niall MacNeil, Donald MacNeil, Neil Donald MacNeil, Donald Niall MacNeil, Neilina MacNeil, Donaldina Neilina MacNeil, Neil Niall MacNeill and their families amongst others - were eternally grateful for his foresight, intelligence and sheer handsomeness. He finished by expressing his eternal support for the Minister and that he had to leave for an important meeting with Rhona.

I had heard the story about the tractor on quite a few occasions in many other locations but every time Mr Angus lets slip yet another aspect of his famous invention that adds to the glory and glamour of his sheer ability. If only he wasn't so modest.

My speech was met with rapturous applause from the entire audience (Kenny and Rhona) as I explained how my views on energy would be best expressed by whatever decision the Minister took, and that any comments about renewable energy in election campaigns have been misunderstood in translating the document from its original Gaelic.

I finished by explaining the need to have the full involvement of a team to deliver a bilingual language development plan as a key fundamental part of attracting investors to move here, and to speak Gaelic fluently in all meetings, before and development could commence. Drawing on a quote from my hero Yukio Mishima, who I am translating into Gaelic, I reminded the audience (Rhona, as Kenny had gone out for a smoke) of his prescient words in わが友ヒットラー (Death in Midsummer on an open moor at the hands of MWT)

"Lowly is the dunlin compared to the fish of the river.
Beyond eternity lies only a nimby, still protesting.
One must act today, for tomorrow the shops may be closed.
Unto the ferry one must render; and often."

I came away from the lectern safe in the secret knowledge that I will be appointed junior assistant under-minister in charge of Gaelic Development plans in the next Government, and Mr Angus is to be given full Ministerial responsibility, as Minister for Derelict Tractors in a sponsorship deal to be announced by Massey Ferguson when Mr Alex sorts their planning permission problems.

Councillors spoken to: None
Vice-Conveners shouting at me: 1
Ministerial appointments promised for next decade: 1

Energy Conference

I am honoured to be speaking at this meeting which I hope will put the final nail in the coffin of big renewable energy plans for the Western Isles. Too many people cannot imagine the ruthless massacre of bird life that these big turbines will cause. I hope that the community will develop a few small turbines, but not too many or that may cause growth of the economy, which as we know is a bad thing, unless as a result of the actions by Mr Alex.

My topic is "Energy: An opportunity to be seized?", which is a blindingly obvious question.

Kenny and I have made a list of the key issues that I will be raising, and demanding that the Comhairle taken forward immediately from their own vast resources, given that Mr Jim has already told us not to suggest that the Government has any role in this matter.

The first opportunity that need to be grasped straight away is to ensure a vigorous and reliable campaign to ensure that all relevant energy terms are translated into Gaelic. Key words and phrases that need IMMEDIATE attention include:

• Three-phase switching gear
• Nacelle
• Cetacean-friendly sub-surface tidal-power experimental device
• Low-energy bulb
• On-shore deep-storage non-radioactive non-nuclear facility
• Turbine-blade manufacture capacity
• Nuclear meltdown
• Mme Guillotine meets the Amec Board
  

I am proposing that the Comhairle, together with Highland and Islands Enterprise, the University of the Highland and Islands and Bord na Gaidhlig develop a huge range of courses to encourage and seize the opportunities that are offered.

• Gaelic as a Foreign Language
• Retraining engineers at the Arnish windfarm factory as Gaelic speaking nursery nurses
• A Professorship in peat extraction techniques, focussing on the non-extraction of peat (Gaelic speakers only)
• Tidal barrages for beginners
• Engineering small turbines as they don't harm birds (sponsored by RSPB)
• Successful location of windfarm developments (to be delivered through the Falkland Isles campus and sponsored by MWT)
• Subsidy application (advanced course)
• Social Care - how to look after the elderly and infirm in a collapsing economy (Gaelic and Polish only)
• Oil extraction and pipeline observation for bystanders - West Side campus only
• Solar power - can Lewis become the new Sahara?

At least no-one can accuse me of complacency.

Instructions received from HQ: 46
Gaelic words spoken: 4437
Bright ideas: 1

Mr Alex is not guilty

The Local Government Committee, of which I am a senior member, met today to issue its report into the so-called Tr*mp affair.

As I prophesied, even before I saw any of the evidence, and as HQ instructed, there was not a shred of evidence to prove that Mr Alex had anything whatsoever, ever, to do with the consideration of the planning issues surrounding the application, and he knew nothing about the matter until the Labour press started to stir this up over nothing.

It was a great shame that the other parties represented on the Committee bother to waste their time by looking at the facts and hearing from Mr Alex and Mr John as they explained how the contacted anyone and everyone they could until the matter was called in.

Sadly, they came to the totally false conclusion that Mr Alex and Mr John had anything to do with the decision they instructed the Chief Planner to take to make such a momentous decision at short notice, and in the absence of the facts. As I said in the private session of the Committee, "Does it matter that Mr Alex abused his position and tried to control matters beyond his remit, before instructing Mr John to tell the Chief Planner to do what he can to rescue the plan proposed by his pal, Mr Tr*mp?"

We SNP members on the Committee were not going to let the Committee play politics with such a serious matter, so Kenny, Doris (who confusingly is a man) and I decided (as instructed by HQ) to dissent as a group on every issue where there could be any suggestion of any impropriety by any Minister, or any of our friends.

I was to lead the way and I duly started by dissenting to the title of the report; and then the ISBN; and then the page numbers; before passing the batton of dissent to Kenny. That is not Kenny from my office, as that would just be silly, but another Kenny (no relation), who is apparently also a MSP.

Mr Alex will be pleased at the hugely favourable coverage for him that has followed from our actions!

Dissent registered: 11234 times
People called Kenny I know: 2
Camomile and daisy tea drunk: 1 cup

Mr Desmond McNulty MSP

The Parliament as one to celebrate the introduction of RET onto all the routes from the Western Isles, except of course, the bitter and twisted Labour Party. And their onetime allies the LibDems. And our allies the Greens. And our other allies (although we aren’t allowed to call them that) the Tories. And Margo MacDonald.

Mr Stewart made a wonderful speech explaining how poor and impoverished the Western Isles were and how none of our other policies would impact in any way on this sad state of affairs. He then explained, slowly for the Labour Party members, that the RET rates were set different from the Equivalent Road Tariff as used by the AA, the RAC and the Inland Revenue but it accurately reflected the cost of a 4 litre Range Rover, the typical vehicle of choice of a crofter, which they used to haul the peat up from the beach, and to take the tourists onto the centre of the Barvas Moor and then back laden with deer, salmon, dunlin, golden eagles and a few brace of grouse.

Luckily I had my Star Trek combined communicator, phaser and mobile phone on silent, as at this point Kenny texted me to say that he ran his pick-up on two parts red diesel to 14 parts seal oil and it costs him no more than 2p per mile to do so. I despair of Kenny, trying to bring rational argument into the political debate, but now I know why you can smell the pick-up from a half-mile away.

Just then a Labour member, who shall remain nameless, accused Mr Stewart of acting like Chemical Ali. I don’t want to make too much of it, but Mr McNulty then suggested that the sole reason for introducing RET was to allow the Government to round up Gaelic Speakers and transport them to the Western Isles where all the adults and children would be slowly poisoned by Mr Stewart using a combination of highly toxic Trumps and worthy, but pointless, Government initiatives. But not before they had worked themselves in skeletal form rowing the new oar-powered catamaran ferry across the Minch. “Where”, he spat, “Was that in the manifesto of the fascist, death-camp supporting, party opposite?”

This was just too much for me and I was absolutely incandescent with rage, as Donnie MacInnes phoned to tell me my press release in the Gazette was going to say. How dare anyone question what an SNP Minister might be doing? Which is the question I posed to the Minister, as he had asked me to.

I caught up with the guilty party later outside the Chamber and had words, “Just who were you calling Comical Ali, Mr McNulty MSP, Sir?”, I asked. I was devastated by his reply, “You, lad, are the real Comical Ali!”.

I cried all the way back to my room.

Scripted interventions read: 3
Phaser setting: 16 (Extreme explosive effect)
Constituents met: 0