Vote SNP - we know where you live

Alasdair Allan

This is a private journal about all the exciting things that have happened to me since I stood as MSP for Gordon the Western Isles. I am dedicated to the people of Gordon the Western Isles, and there is nowhere else I would rather represent. I even intend to live there soon.

I am not to be mistaken for for that imposter who pretends to be an MSP.

I really like this dynamic and exciting blog layout, which suits me perfectly.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Energy conference

Mr Jim is delighted with my speech and is lavish in his praise for both Mr Angus and I as he comes off the plane, and even before we have been able to give him an outline of what we intend to say. He is just such an able politician to manage to understand what is going to happen even before it does.

I manage to avoid talking to any Councillors as they will just want to engage me in debate on difficult topics about which they know nothing, and expect me to discuss these issues with them. Today is a day for unmitigated adulation of Mr Jim and the SNP Government, and by extension Mr Angus and I, and there is no way that I am going to let reality intervene.

Mr Jim gives a wonderful speech about how important renewable energy is for the islands and how the sources here are vital for Scotland to achieve the targets that have been set. And how important it is for all the windfarm proposals that he can't talk about must go ahead, despite the ludicrous arguments about birds. As no less a person than Mr Alex has said "Environmental concerns are just that, concerns, and must not be allowed to get in the way of Donald Tr*mp or the developments in Aviemore!"

How I applauded, as that is the message I have been telling everyone who will listen for years, and it was unfortunate that Moorlands Without Turbines had chosen today (as I asked them to) not to attend the meeting to hear the positive words of Mr Jim.

To underline the election winning strategy pursued by Mr Angus and I of opposing jobs, economic regeneration and renewable energy whilst pandering to the newly resident on the islands, Mr Jim left the meeting straight after his speech to spend the rest of the day in discussions with the supporters of the planning applications. One day soon I may have to accept their repeated invitations to meet with them, rather than ignore them in the hope they will go away.

Mr Angus gave a masterful speech which left the audience in shocked silence as he describe his early experiences in engineering, which led him inexorably to taking his PhD in the subject, and how he built the first renewable power station in Barra when he was a boy, using nothing but tractor parts and powered by seaweed. He reminded his audience that the entire population of Barra - Neil MacNeil, Niall MacNeil, Donald MacNeil, Neil Donald MacNeil, Donald Niall MacNeil, Neilina MacNeil, Donaldina Neilina MacNeil, Neil Niall MacNeill and their families amongst others - were eternally grateful for his foresight, intelligence and sheer handsomeness. He finished by expressing his eternal support for the Minister and that he had to leave for an important meeting with Rhona.

I had heard the story about the tractor on quite a few occasions in many other locations but every time Mr Angus lets slip yet another aspect of his famous invention that adds to the glory and glamour of his sheer ability. If only he wasn't so modest.

My speech was met with rapturous applause from the entire audience (Kenny and Rhona) as I explained how my views on energy would be best expressed by whatever decision the Minister took, and that any comments about renewable energy in election campaigns have been misunderstood in translating the document from its original Gaelic.

I finished by explaining the need to have the full involvement of a team to deliver a bilingual language development plan as a key fundamental part of attracting investors to move here, and to speak Gaelic fluently in all meetings, before and development could commence. Drawing on a quote from my hero Yukio Mishima, who I am translating into Gaelic, I reminded the audience (Rhona, as Kenny had gone out for a smoke) of his prescient words in わが友ヒットラー (Death in Midsummer on an open moor at the hands of MWT)

    "Lowly is the dunlin compared to the fish of the river.
    Beyond eternity lies only a nimby, still protesting.
    One must act today, for tomorrow the shops may be closed.
    Unto the ferry one must render; and often."
I came away from the lectern safe in the secret knowledge that I will be appointed junior assistant under-minister in charge of Gaelic Development plans in the next Government, and Mr Angus is to be given full Ministerial responsibility, as Minister for Derelict Tractors in a sponsorship deal to be announced by Massey Ferguson when Mr Alex sorts their planning permission problems.

Councillors spoken to: None
Vice-Conveners shouting at me: 1
Ministerial appointments promised for next decade: 1

I've read my wise words this many times

* No, not really. If you haven't worked out that this is a satirical exercise, then please get a life. And find one for Alasdair.