Vote SNP - we know where you live

Alasdair Allan

This is a private journal about all the exciting things that have happened to me since I stood as MSP for Gordon the Western Isles. I am dedicated to the people of Gordon the Western Isles, and there is nowhere else I would rather represent. I even intend to live there soon.

I am not to be mistaken for for that imposter who pretends to be an MSP.

I really like this dynamic and exciting blog layout, which suits me perfectly.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Mr Desmond McNulty MSP

The Parliament as one to celebrate the introduction of RET onto all the routes from the Western Isles, except of course, the bitter and twisted Labour Party. And their onetime allies the LibDems. And our allies the Greens. And our other allies (although we aren’t allowed to call them that) the Tories. And Margo MacDonald.

Mr Stewart made a wonderful speech explaining how poor and impoverished the Western Isles were and how none of our other policies would impact in any way on this sad state of affairs. He then explained, slowly for the Labour Party members, that the RET rates were set different from the Equivalent Road Tariff as used by the AA, the RAC and the Inland Revenue but it accurately reflected the cost of a 4 litre Range Rover, the typical vehicle of choice of a crofter, which they used to haul the peat up from the beach, and to take the tourists onto the centre of the Barvas Moor and then back laden with deer, salmon, dunlin, golden eagles and a few brace of grouse.

Luckily I had my Star Trek combined communicator, phaser and mobile phone on silent, as at this point Kenny texted me to say that he ran his pick-up on two parts red diesel to 14 parts seal oil and it costs him no more than 2p per mile to do so. I despair of Kenny, trying to bring rational argument into the political debate, but now I know why you can smell the pick-up from a half-mile away.

Just then a Labour member, who shall remain nameless, accused Mr Stewart of acting like Chemical Ali. I don’t want to make too much of it, but Mr McNulty then suggested that the sole reason for introducing RET was to allow the Government to round up Gaelic Speakers and transport them to the Western Isles where all the adults and children would be slowly poisoned by Mr Stewart using a combination of highly toxic Trumps and worthy, but pointless, Government initiatives. But not before they had worked themselves in skeletal form rowing the new oar-powered catamaran ferry across the Minch. “Where”, he spat, “Was that in the manifesto of the fascist, death-camp supporting, party opposite?”

This was just too much for me and I was absolutely incandescent with rage, as Donnie MacInnes phoned to tell me my press release in the Gazette was going to say. How dare anyone question what an SNP Minister might be doing? Which is the question I posed to the Minister, as he had asked me to.

I caught up with the guilty party later outside the Chamber and had words, “Just who were you calling Comical Ali, Mr McNulty MSP, Sir?”, I asked. I was devastated by his reply, “You, lad, are the real Comical Ali!”.

I cried all the way back to my room.

Scripted interventions read: 3
Phaser setting: 16 (Extreme explosive effect)
Constituents met: 0

I've read my wise words this many times

* No, not really. If you haven't worked out that this is a satirical exercise, then please get a life. And find one for Alasdair.