New office

Mr Angus has very thoughtfully allowed me to use his office on Bayhead to advertise that I exist.

For a special rate he has permitted me to attach a single piece of A4 to the window for a short while on the grounds that "I wouldn't want anyone to think I've got anything to do with you."

Kenny promised to answer all the phone calls with the reassuring promise that if they were "Important or interesting" he would ask Mr Angus to deal with them before passing them to me.

He has obviously been doing his job very well, as not one single important matter has come my way yet!

Harry Potter

I had just finished colouring in my Thunderbirds book, without going beyond the lines, when I suddenly realised that I had nothing in the house to read.

I had read An Gruffalò, twice in the original Gaelic, and most of the rest of Acair's output was looking well worn and sorry for itself, when I heard about a new Harry Potter book being printed.

I know, I'll write to the publishers and ask them to publish me a copy in Gaelic so that I can understand what is going on. Well, I would if they sent me a summary of previous books, so I would know who was who.

Kenny issued a press release on my behalf pointing out that the publishers were acting like fascists to the public in the Western Isles by creating an pseudo-apartheid state by not issuing "Tha Harrie Potter agam". I had to reprimand him severely for getting my name wrong, and I mumbled "I am not Draco Allan" at him, to force the correction.

He applauded my press release saying "Angus Peter Campbell will have your nuts for supporting the local writers." Rhona growled pleasantly at him for this good advice.

Wind farms

A rude journalist phones me to ask about the Public Inquiry at Eishken.

How dare he know about this, when Mr Alex and Mr Angus have told me nothing about this trivial matter.

I tell him that I know nothing and if it was at all important then Mr Alex or Mr Angus would have told me what to think and say rather than, as he appallingly suggested, leaving me in the dark looking stupid and ill-informed. That told him.

Wind farms as an idea are stupid, as they will destroy the Gaelic culture and result in depopulation of the islands, as they told me at the last MWT meeting. I was deeply impressed by the number of pensioners who had moved here from the South of England and wanted to preserve Gaelic, as long as they didn't have to speak it, or hear it spoken. The told me that their new houses would depreciate in value dramatically as tourists were thrown into the turbines by Councillors as part of a satanic ritual.

I was deeply impressed by their sincerity and posh accents, having been a tourist here until -- well I still am!

Drove back to the rented house, slowly and carefully, pondering the fate of "That little bustard" that they kept talking about.

Dangerous driving

I should apologise to all my constituents for my actions. I really hope they never find out about my dangerous and criminal activities.

I was so excited about reporting to the Branch that I had spoken to Mr Alex that I lost all concentration on the road and the car accelerated to almost 30MPH on the straight stretch of road between Tong and Newmarket. Luckily there is no speed limit there, or I could have lost my licence or possibly be the victim of a major motorway pile-up or been the target of the armed traffic vigilantes that Kenny tells me roam that area.

I knew that there were speed humps coming up, so I slowed down to just over 10MPH with barely a mile to spare, and kept at that speed despite the horns of the Ambulance behind tempting me to break the laws. No siree.

I was so mortified and embarrassed when I reached the SNP office, that I hope no-one could tell by my face that I was nearly a major criminal.