What I did on my holidays

Donnie MacInnes at the Stornoway Gazette suggested to me to write an article about my holidays in the Western Isles for the benefit of the readers, so that they could find out who I was.

His wife, Cathy, kindly passed on the message at the Branch meeting, over which she presides as Chairperson, and advised me to make it as controversial as I possibly could as Donnie would ensure that it was printed unedited. I am only to eager to oblige the Gazette, which is showing its true independence and balanced stance by inviting all the constituency MSPs for the Western Isles to contribute on an equal footing. I bet none of the others have had as exciting a holiday as I did!

It was very nice to see some islands that I have never seen before, having had to travel in the boot of Mr Angus' car on previous occasions and only being able to see the clouds in the sky. This time I travelled first class at the public expense and stayed in some Bed & Breakfast establishments and even caught the ferry by myself.

It was very exciting to be recognised by one person in Uist, and even more exciting to find out that he was an SNP Councillor. I rushed back to the Bed & Breakfast for a refreshing cup of tea and phoned Kenny to change my travel arrangements in the hope that another person would recognise me here.

In order to introduce myself to the public, I decided to wait at the ferry terminals and bus stops and approach anyone standing around, addressing them in Gaelic. In answer to the usual response of "What the f...", I was in a position to recite the entire SNP manifesto, verbatim, which they seemed to enjoy. They certainly were unable to move much after the first five minutes.

I listed, in gripping detail, the pledges for transport, the Gaelic language, speeding, sheep movements, drinking whilst in charge of a peat iron, economic policy and espeically the inter-relationship between the ECB, Westminster and an independent Scotland (although I did get a bit confused here with most of the terminology), Gaelic Broadcasting, Gaelic signposts, defence policy, the proposed compulsory bilingual services for the broadcasting of Big Brother live on E4, how the SNP would demand the repatriation of the English mink, Gaelic salmon farming and why Mr Alex was to be the next first King of Scotland.

Tired after that, I retired to the Bed & Breakfast, from which the owners seem to have gone on holiday until after I leave, and lay down in my full-body Noddy suit to sleep before the stress of the next day.

Mr Angus says he can now employ someone on my behalf in Edinburgh, and having carefully considered the short leet he gave to me, I have selected the single name he suggested. I am sure they are very good, and will do exactly as he tells them. It's good to see job creation in Edinburgh, as there are so many unemployable people that I mix with everyday in the Parliament.