Preserve a guga

The wild vegetarians of Edinburgh have tried to stop the Guga hunt in Ness.

Do they not realise that the mad Morrisons of Ness have hunted Guga since time immemorial, and that the interference of yet another lunatic from Edinburgh pretending to know what is best for the islands and oozing mock empathy will do nothing but alienate the community.

I have therefore pledged my support to those who want to strangle the young chicks with their bare hands, despite the attacks from the parent birds, and then resell the pickled carcasses for £40,000 as I believe this is a necessary food supply for the islands. Given that the Co-op has run out of kangaroo steaks, ravens tongues, and savoury penguin penises that form the staple of the diet in Ness.

However, to demonstrate my dynamic thrusting self, I have today written to the head gannet on North Rona asking whether he wishes me to write to the Minister, in Gaelic, on his behalf. Kenny has promised to ensure that the letter is delivered by the fishermen, as he described it "With maximum prejudice". I look forward to the reply, and Kenny reassures me that the response will be clear and "very tasty".