A question

Yesterday Mr Alex spoke to me, and allowed me to ask him a question in the Parliament. His secretary was very helpful in typing it our for me and removing the big words that Mr Alex had used to replace them with words I could simultaneously translate into Gaelic and then re-translate before I spoke.

The clever thought process slowed my speaking slightly, but it confused the enemy other parties who attempted to distract Mr Alex by shouting "Who's the imbecile?"

He answered my question very cleverly and carefully using all the big words his secretary had written at the bottom of the page after my question. I was very impressed and gave him a standing ovation.

Afterwards he personally thanked me for such a clever and incisive contribution, and in a witty response to the enemy Labour Party he muttered "Who's the imbecile?" to the Whips.

A special parcel

Collected Recorded Delivery package. It a special delivery from Mr Alex!!!!

After a lie down, given the excitement, I open the package to find the special chip that I must implant under my skin to help me in the Parliament. Apparently I mustn’t tell anyone, and I have a special pass to explain that I have an artificial hip and that is why the metal detectors are set off.

According to the instructions, it will glow green when I have to applaud Mr Alex, bright red when I must phone for instructions, and delivers 2000 volts straight to the nervous system in the event of any signs of dissent. A quick look in the dictionary to check the meaning of 'dissent' assures me I have nothing to worry about.

Mr Angus phones to tell me that after a few weeks I will hear voices telling me what to say and how to vote, but not to worry as he will make sure it sounds like his voice. How comforting and thoughtful of him.

More excitement

Back from Edinburgh for the first weekend in Lewis, after only four weeks away, and into the temporary rented accommodation. Very excitedly open all the letters addressed to Allan Allen MSP.

Invites to judge the bonnie Guga contest in Ness, an invitation to discuss funding constraints with the Achmore Pier committee, and a cut price subscription offer to the People’s Friend, and one recorded delivery slip. Not bad for four weeks mail, and resolve to write to the Minister about the lack of nursery provision for baby Guga in Ness and the Transport Minister about the lack of RoRo facilites at Achmore. When I find out who the Ministers are. Note to self, must ask someone to ask someone who knows Mr Alex to get me the list of Ministers.

More excitement

Mr Angus calls to tell me to go to Edinburgh.

I reach the office in Stornoway where he instructs me that from now on I will obey “Mr Alex”, except where Mr Angus says otherwise. This is so exciting, having two people to tell me what to do and think.

Kenny, the Press officer, mutters ”Angus is so far up Alex, that it doesn’t matter”, but before I can quiz him further for an explanation, Rhona hits him with a poster tube and he falls silent. On the floor.

Today I go on a plane to Edinburgh. I am getting moist around the gusset with the excitement.

Exciting news

Mr MacNeil phoned me tonight to tell me I might have been ‘elected’ as a MSP. I thought he was phoning to sack me, so I was very relieved.

I got out of my Power Ranger pyjamas, dressed and into the car and drove to Stornoway.

Mr MacNeil was right – as always, he is so clever and wise – and tells me what to say, as Albert Morrison gracefully selects me to replace him.

Mr MacNeil tells me that I am a success, and as a mark of this I no longer have to call him “Mr MacNeil”, but instead I am allowed to call him “Mr Angus”. I am so pleased that my status has gone up so rapidly. I have another cup of Horlicks to celebrate and go to bed.