Swine flu

Never in the annals of human history has a Scottish Government dealt with a major global calamity, caused by Labour, in such an efficient and constructive manner.

The news that Miss Nicola is to send advice to all Scottish homes in both *nglish and Gaelic is clearly the best way to deal with the death and destruction brought upon the planet by successive Labour Governments.

I have seen the *nglish version of the leaflet, which reads as follows:

• Swine flu is nasty and can cause coughs, fevers and death
• Do not cough over anyone
• If coughed upon, gently punch the offender and then bathe the infected areas in one part DDT, one part Lemsip and seven parts neat bleach
• Rub the skin gently with steel wool until fresh blood can be seen
  
• Stay indoors and whitewash your windows from the inside
• Tune in to Radio Alex (Free by 92 FM) and await further instructions
• Do not eat your immediate family unless you have run out of frozen food
• We're all doomed
• Vote SNP

As an immediate step, I have locked Kenny in his car for his own good and impounded his supplies of food, which have been sent for incineration. These include pigs trotters in salmon jelly, a box of suckling pig samosas, pork itchings, barbecued sow and eagle sandwiches on rye bread with marie rose sauce (special offer in Ness Stores as the sell by date was last March), and two bottles of lemon, bean and bacon smoothies from the SWRI (Skigersta Women's Roofing and Insulation Co.).

My very personal assistant Graeme has been clad in a mask and a boiler suit. Much as it makes him look very attractive and shows off his best features, I ask him to get changed into some protective clothing to take the contents of the fridge to the dump in an unmarked van, to show my commitment to civil protection.

With Kenny firmly superglued in the car, the office is running smoothly again, and I resolve to keep him there until the scare is over; which is probably after the election in 2011.

The use of Gaelic

I was utterly appalled at the refusal of the Royal Bank of Scotland to accept cheques written in Gaelic, and I have written in very strong terms to Mr Alex, in Gaelic with a translation in Braid Scots and *nglish, complaining about the situation.

One of my constituents and party member and esteemed Gaelic students, a Mr George Michael Drummond was in a shop in Stornoway trying to buy a new rakish hat, a saving set, Harraidh Potter agus an Orchloch, some rubber accessories and a new bath plug when his cheque was refused by the Labour philistine in the Bank.

I have seen the cheque which reads:
Paidh: Nazir Brathair, Tri fichead quid agus 20p.

How could any Bank that tries to call itself Scottish refuse such a clear instruction?

The pathetic excuse from the Gordon Brown instructed press officer was that all staff have to be able to read the cheque to know how much it is for and that the correct payee is being credited.

Have you ever heard anything as stupid as that. Gaelic is not here to be understood by everyone, but to provide a way for the intellectually superior to demonstrate their unique abilities to communicate in more than one language.

Would the Bank refuse a cheque written in French, or Welsh or Urdu? It is their responsibility to ensure that ALL their staff are properly trained in Gaelic so that customers can write cheques without fear of staff being too stupid to understand another language.

I am so angry that I have had to come home to change my trousers.

Kenny has suggested that perhaps I should be pressing Mr Alex to ensure that Gaelic has equal status in Scotland, but I firmly demolish his argument by pointing out that Mr Alex has too many other things to be worrying about at the moment, such as the attempt by Gordon Brown to reduce the Scottish Budget from £300,000,000 to £750 meaning the likely self-immolation in despair of civil servants such as Kenny. He duly falls silent, marvelling at my rhetoric.