Swine flu

Never in the annals of human history has a Scottish Government dealt with a major global calamity, caused by Labour, in such an efficient and constructive manner.

The news that Miss Nicola is to send advice to all Scottish homes in both *nglish and Gaelic is clearly the best way to deal with the death and destruction brought upon the planet by successive Labour Governments.

I have seen the *nglish version of the leaflet, which reads as follows:

• Swine flu is nasty and can cause coughs, fevers and death
• Do not cough over anyone
• If coughed upon, gently punch the offender and then bathe the infected areas in one part DDT, one part Lemsip and seven parts neat bleach
• Rub the skin gently with steel wool until fresh blood can be seen
  
• Stay indoors and whitewash your windows from the inside
• Tune in to Radio Alex (Free by 92 FM) and await further instructions
• Do not eat your immediate family unless you have run out of frozen food
• We're all doomed
• Vote SNP

As an immediate step, I have locked Kenny in his car for his own good and impounded his supplies of food, which have been sent for incineration. These include pigs trotters in salmon jelly, a box of suckling pig samosas, pork itchings, barbecued sow and eagle sandwiches on rye bread with marie rose sauce (special offer in Ness Stores as the sell by date was last March), and two bottles of lemon, bean and bacon smoothies from the SWRI (Skigersta Women's Roofing and Insulation Co.).

My very personal assistant Graeme has been clad in a mask and a boiler suit. Much as it makes him look very attractive and shows off his best features, I ask him to get changed into some protective clothing to take the contents of the fridge to the dump in an unmarked van, to show my commitment to civil protection.

With Kenny firmly superglued in the car, the office is running smoothly again, and I resolve to keep him there until the scare is over; which is probably after the election in 2011.