With the election campaign well underway, Mr Angus is busy issuing press releases about everything just to help my re-election campaign.
With my team selected, I am pleased to see that we have the advantage of age and experience over Labour. They can't possibly match our team composed exclusively of experienced pensioners, which gives us a 20 year advantage over our opponents. I have already arranged the bulk order of peppermints for the meetings, and Kenny has left the biscuit box open overnight so no-one breaks their teeth on hard biscuits.
We have worked hard and fast on a campaign slogan. We have rejected:
- Doing as he is told for YOUR benefit
- We know where you live and how you vote
- They're b*stards, those English
- Have you seen the Labour candidate?
The team are fantastic, and I am following their every instruction on how to win. Which is why I am now sitting at home, with instructions not to go anywhere or speak to anyone without at least three committee members accompanying me.
I am drinking a small glass of special independence milk - "From radical cows" - in my Cpt Pugwash pyjamas when Mrs Margaret phones to say that the good news is that Mr Angus will be leading the campaign, and that my primary responsibility is to draft the policy statements on seaweed farming, lobster wrestling and subsea windfarms in the Mingulay SPA.
Good news! My talents have been recognised and it will take me the best part of the next 10 weeks to write all of this, just in time to congratulate Mr Angus on my re-election.
To celebrate, I take the box set of Glee and a box of tissues into the bedroom to watch until the early hours (10pm).
