Tesco

Kenny is just back from the new supermarket that has opened in Stornoway. Apparently they are called 'Tesco' and they have stores everywhere like Inverness, Wick and as far afield as Perth.

Kenny has long been a stalwart of the Cross Stores, who do his staple foods such as 40 Embassy, McCain Oven Ready Hedgehog rings, seagull drumstick skewers, Paralytic Piper whisky and red diesel.

Rhona had instructed him to go to the Tesco to buy supplies for the office and he hands over the 27-pack of extra-value extra-thin toilet roll, a jar of Tesco value Barra coffee - grown with the finest Arabica beans on the west facing slopes of the island - Tesco value sugar (reduced in price due to being slightly damp), a box of 240 tea-bags, a bottle of mint julep Domestos, and 72 'Blu-loo' tablets. Rhona hands over the £1.72 from petty cash, and I keep the receipt to claim against my expenses. The copy receipt is put onto Mr Angus' desk for him to claim also.

Conspiratorially, Kenny pulls me out to the car by my sleeve, where I sit in a fug of Embassy smoke and on a pile of dog-ends that are some two feet deep. Kenny always changes his car when the dog-ends reach to the roof.

He opens a second Tesco bag and he eyes open with wonder as he shows me his purchases. He drools slightly, but that is normal, so I pay attention to what he has bought, and even I am taken aback at the range of produce the new shop has.

• Roast badger and wildcat cheese baguette
• Hooper swan bhajis
• Pickled herring in chilli flavoured Castrol GTX
• Polar bear jerky
• Larks tongues (bags of 20)
  
• Thin cut dolphin slices
  
• Silverside of Polar Bear
  
• Penguin wings in aspic

He drags me to the back of the car and opens the boot to show me a 5 gallon value pack of Tesco "Old Bombay" whisky. "£7.50", he muttered, "Now go tell the headmistress that I have a migraine and I've gone home early. This little lot", he said stroking the drum and grinning lasciviously at the food, "will probably see me through the weekend." With that he pressed a package into my hands, closed the boot and sped off leaving nothing but the faint air of Embassy and a mountain of fag ash to show that he had ever been there.

As I went back to the office to type up his press releases and do his filing, I looked into the package and I forgave him for the toxic fumes and spittle on my lapels. It is just so long since I had the circular slices of ham with a smiling face made out of contrasting processed ham. What a wonderful day. I shall have a tin of alphabetti spaghetti with it to celebrate.

Time to wash smell of smoke off me: 2 hours
Highest speed on the way home: 27 mph (well I was excited)
Message spelt with alphabetti spaghetti: Alex Salmond is the best Kenni is veri nice Rona is a