Election Pledge 3

I fully support the IT sector in the Western Isles and I have ensured that the SNP have delivered cheap and perfect broadband connections throughout the islands.

At a recent photo-op I was able to demonstrate the 17 megahertz broadband link downloading a 4mw file in barely 2 minutes.

I have championed the SNP policy got IT and I am proud to launch the new technologies from the islands. After intensive research by HIE, I can announce that over 5,000 jobs will be created in Lewis with the setting up of the new high tech cutting edge business "Tha JavaScript Agam". Thanks to a modest Government grant of £5m we have already delivered a cutting edge programme that says "Madainn vath" when you open your computer and thanks to my intensive lobbying of ministers additional funding will be made available to translate this into Scots, *nglish and braille.

As part of my commitment, I have already bought the *app* for my Government Blackberry allowing me to translate the simple morning greeting into two languages with the promise of another four phrases in Welsh, Hindi and Tagalog to follow within the next five years.

Election pledge 2

I promise to live in the Western Isles, if allowed to by Mr Alex.

Election pledge 1

If re-elected I promise to work tirelessly to expand the range of courses provided by the University of the Higlands and Islands.

A key policy is the early introduction of the following opportunities identified by the SNP Government as needed by the communities:

• Navigation for guide dogs for deaf/blind fishermen: this course is open to collies and labradors who wish to expand their nautical map reading skills. Simultaneous translation into Gaelic will be available.
• Angling for beginners Level 1(Mangersta campus): how to buy a rod in Sportsworld. This will be available on YouTube as a MG Alba podcast. With English subtitles.
• Subsidy form completion (HNC advanced): mathematical formulae of computing the surface area of an irregular three dimensional object (your croft) including 3D polynomial Mandelbrot curves, and the subsidy level they attract. This will be compulsory for all crofters from 2012. Closed captioned in Polish.

Election campaign

With the election campaign well underway, Mr Angus is busy issuing press releases about everything just to help my re-election campaign.

With my team selected, I am pleased to see that we have the advantage of age and experience over Labour.  They can't possibly match our team composed exclusively of experienced pensioners, which gives us a 20 year advantage over our opponents.  I have already arranged the bulk order of peppermints for the meetings, and Kenny has left the biscuit box open overnight so no-one breaks their teeth on hard biscuits.

We have worked hard and fast on a campaign slogan.  We have rejected:

• Doing as he is told for YOUR benefit
• We know where you live and how you vote
• They're b*stards, those English
• Have you seen the Labour candidate?

We finally settled on the slogan above, after serious brainstorming, a democratic vote and finally a direct instruction from HQ.

The team are fantastic, and I am following their every instruction on how to win.  Which is why I am now sitting at home, with instructions not to go anywhere or speak to anyone without at least three committee members accompanying me.

I am drinking a small glass of special independence milk - "From radical cows" - in my Cpt Pugwash pyjamas when Mrs Margaret phones to say that the good news is that Mr Angus will be leading the campaign, and that my primary responsibility is to draft the policy statements on seaweed farming, lobster wrestling and subsea windfarms in the Mingulay SPA. 

Good news!  My talents have been recognised and it will take me the best part of the next 10 weeks to write all of this, just in time to congratulate Mr Angus on my re-election.

To celebrate, I take the box set of Glee and a box of tissues into the bedroom to watch until the early hours (10pm).