School closures

I have pledged my complete support to the campaigns to keep open Carloway School from the vicious and indefensible cuts by the Council.

With the nasty Westminster Government making deep cuts in the budget of the saintly and prudent Scottish Government, which are being passed on to Councils, now is not the Comhairle to make cuts in schools which might affect my re-election chances.

I am not here to tell the Comhairle how or where to make the cuts, but clearly it would be wrong to close any schools or cut and social service provision or make anyone redundant, or cut any services, or raise any taxes, or make any representations to Government about the cuts that might suggest in anyway that the necessary de-increases in Council budgets that Mr John will announce this week are in any way the fault of anyone other that all other political parties.

I have today written to the Education Minister asking some serious questions: -

Dear Mr Mike

You may remember me, as I was your employee for four years, and worked for you when I wasn't on SNP business.  I'm the one who sits three rows behind you applauding constantly.

Can you please confirm that the closure of Carloway school is all the fault of Comhairle nan Eilean Siar, and that you have provided all the funding necessary for a reasonable local authority, without any other self-inflicted budget pressures such as inflation and a Government approved new schools programme to fund would have been able to keep this school open, even with your predecessors approval to close it.

Can you also confirm that you will carefully consider the demands of the committee to review the decision before deciding to approve it, as you have previously indicated.  And that it is nothing to do with me or you.

I am, sir, you loyal and faithful apprentice

Dr A Allan MSP (seat number 47)

Hopefully this will kick it into the long grass until after the election!

Kenny has already written my letter of support for Lionel, where he works in the Sports Centre and where he receives special classes; and he has shredded Annie MacDonald's letter about Balallan to make it utterly deniable.

Since leaving the Gazette, Donnie MacInnes has taken up a career in journalism and he has written the official history of how the SNP successfully fought off the attempts by the Labour-run Council to close all the schools in the Western Isles, and how I single-handledly persuaded the Government to keep the five new schools open.

At least Mr Angus will have a job to go to in Barra when Mrs Jane finds out what else he has been up to.

Taking Independence forward

I am delighted that Mr Alex has decided that the best way to take forward the debate on Independence for Scotland is by postponing the debate until much later, and not debating it.

And who am I to disagree, as Mr Alex said to me at the special meeting last Sunday of MSPs where we were told our decision.

At the meeting Mr Alex told us that we had discussed the matter in some detail, and we were no to unanimously vote in favour of the proposal.  I turned over my ballot paper, to see that it had been very helpfully completed on my behalf.

I completely agree with Mr Alex on everything	X
I, Albert Allan, being of sound mind, hereby tender my resignation from the SNP

As the votes were being counted, Mr Alex was able to announce that he had 100% support and we were all issued with our press release pack to welcome the decision that we had just made.

With electoral success guaranteed at the next elections, according to Mr Alex and the private SNP polls showing us with close to 75% support at the next elections, the future looks rosy, and only those imbeciles who vote for other parties can stop us now, as we move forward with the policy that dare not speak its name!

Scottish Health care

Once again the Scottish Health Care system is the envy and talk of the world, with our ability to produce miraculous cures and help the dying to live again.

It is only through the vast increase in expenditure by the SNP Government that the Health Service is able to produce such miracles, by revoking the wasteful sums being spent by Labour over the previous millenia and directing money towards essential services.  We have dramatically reduced waste on such luxuries as guards, the timely delivery of prisoners to court and pre-signed voting papers and redirected it into wall to wall Xboxes, therapeutic massages, self defence classes and a selection of herbal teas with Gaelic labels.

I have written to the Minister congratulating him for his action, and to the Justice Secretary thanking him for showing the rest of the world just what they have to do to keep up with Scotland.

I refer, of course, to the two Liberton men who were released on compassionate grounds by Mr Kenny just a year ago - Ali Bassett and Ali McGraw.

With both men facing an imminent death due to their continued torture and mistreatment in a secret Labour prison the SNP were able to have them released into the care of the NHS Scotland, which is now properly funded by the SNP.  Such was the sheer munificence and majesty of Mr Kenny's decision that the two immediately went into spontaneous remission, and the NHS were able to subcontract the medical care to the Liberian NHS, under the tender loving care of Dr Colonel Mohammed McGaffney.  The Liberia Government having freely provided the doctors to assess the degree of fatalness of the health problems faced by both men.  The objectivity of their assessment was ensured by Mr Kenny taking advice from Dr BP Backhander who flew in specially for the day to meet the spin doctors.

We must never forget the seriousness of the offences that these men committed, having been duly convicted by a jury of their peers in a Judge-only Court of some of the most serious paper-cuts and chinese burns ever inflicted on 270 people by someone who was not in the room or even the correct country at any time that might suggest their guilt.

With both men now under the watchful eye of James MacGlumpeter of Lanarkshire Social Work dept, who monitors their every movement by being told what is happening by Dr McGaffney.

Their spectacular remission is testament to the fantastic treatment they have received from the NHS (now properly funded by the SNP) and the pathetic Labour party would have left them to die in prison.

Mr Kenny has told us that they are next to Death's Door, which is a night club in Tripoli, beside the Green Revolution their 7-star hotel where they live a life of constant pain, shopping and champagne, paid for by the NHS in Scotland.

Only the lowest of the low would suggest that we have betrayed the victims, whilst in reality we have prolonged their lives at the expense of intentional relationships, and that is a price I believe that we are happy to pay, or so Mr Alex tells me.
their Government

Miss Nicola

I had that dream again about Miss Nicola, only she was wearing a wedding dress over the leather bodice and thigh-high boots.

I know that Mr Angus has the same dream, as he has graphically told Kenny, but his dream ends in a way that Mrs Jane wouldn't like very much.

As usual, I dreamt that she beat me with my Blackberry and a bound copy of the Parliamentary Report, until I woke with a sudden jolt, my Spongebob romper suit, my vest and my socks soaked through with sweat. It was just as well that I had kept the waterproof sheet on the bed.