Expenses. Grrrrr

The fascist Tory rag, the Daily Mail, has some utterly untrue and scurrilous allegations about me and my expenses that are so deeply disturbing that I break into tears at the sight of them.

Graeme, my Very Personal Assistant, mopped my tears with some of the special cherry and lilac balm tissues that were sent to me by the committee of the Scottish Transvestites for RET and Gaelic Cheques (Lewis Branch) following my brilliant speech at their AGM, which was attended by the entire branch membership of one, and constituted my major public engagement for the year.

Mr Angus phoned to commiserate, and deny any responsibility in passing the original papers to the Daily Mail or to next week's Scotland on Sunday, and offered to send some Toblerones and a bottle of white wine he had been gifted by the fees office.

I have written to all members to set out my innocence in this matter, and I left the office in a deep dark mood, leaving Kenny chewing on some honey roast Otter jerky and fielding the phone calls from irate branch members who had been stupid enough to believe what they read.

I have sent the members the following email which they will believe:

You may have read in the Daily Mail that I have claimed outrageous expenses for many costs that I should have paid personally, and if you read the Daily Mail you should contact the office to return your membership and apply for rethink training immediately.

These stories are lies and have no truth in them whatsoever, as they didn't listen to what I said in mitigation when they caught me out showed me what I have claimed for.

- Contrary to the lies put out to hide the fact that Gordon Brown was personally responsible for the murder of millions of children in Iran or Iraq or Iceland, I did not claim for weapons of mass destruction being located in Scotland.

- I did not claim for the wreath or the poppies or the poppy in my lapel that I borrowed from Brian MacPherson when I attended the Remembrance Sunday event in Benbecula.

- Nor did I claim for the shoe leather, chaffing to my trousers, or the vast cost of hair gel required to keep my quiff stable in the high winds.

- The claim for the wreath was entirely within the permissible claims allowed by the Parliament and I have no intention of returning the money, so there.

- I did not claim for my travel to the event, beyond the usual travel expenses involving a 100% reimbursement of all costs incurred, including hotels.

- I will not return the cost of the wreaths as I did nothing wrong, except in the unlikely event that Mr Alex will tell me to do so. So there.

- I did not claim for the 'Go faster stripes' on the side of my Nissan Micra sportscar, which have increased the top speed from 29 mph to 31 mph, (with a tail wind) but not that I would go that fast anyway.

- I explained to the Daily Mail that I had not been involved in any 'Toblerone action' in any hotels in London, but they didn't report this.

- I am making a donation equivalent to the cost of the wreath (£17.40) to show my understanding of the complexity of the situation as instructed by Mr Alex in a brief bollocking down the telephone

- I have not made any dodgy claims as I earn so much money that you just wouldn't believe and that you are just not as clever as me to earn and I don't need the money (unlike others who have claimed for hotels, wine and chocolates!)

- If anyone asks you about this, I am saintly, innocent and it is all scurrilous gossip by newspapers with nothing better to do than print facts about the SNP when they should be printing lies about Labour

- I am more than happy to talk to anyone who has any 'issues' with this, as long as they accept that I am in the right.

If you need any more information, please contact Kenny who will stall you for a few days until your anger dies down.

Lots of love and death to Labour

Alasdair