Expenses - put to rest

Mr Angus and I were delighted when Donnie Gazette sent through the objective and unbiased article that he was writing for this week's Gazette, and we thanked Cathie his wife for bringing it to the Branch meeting that she Chairs.

After a thorough, in-depth and detailed investigation by the fearless Gazette, they are going to publish the truth about Mr Angus' expenses claims. I have carefully read the article and consider myself entirely satisfied with the conclusions.

MP lead the campaign against excessive expenses.

In a turbulent week for the House of Commons, Angus MacNeil spoke exclusively to the Gazette about the outrageous claims about his expenses being made by a Skye based newspaper (The West Highland Free Telegraph).

"I have led the battle to change the system by setting down 317 early day motions over the past two weeks and supporting over 700 abstentions by the SNP from voting over the past five years on any substantive proposals. This discredited Labour Government has cut pensions from pensioners in order to pay MPs expenses for badger stuffing, third homes allowances for cojoined-twin MPs, dungeon polishing and private inter-planetary spaceships for Tony Blair whilst we in the SNP have been consistently exploiting opposing the system."

Addressing the utterly unfounded allegations he was facing, Mr MacNeil explained in a completely open, honest, believable and trustworthy fashion that the croft he bought in central London came with only a small area of ground on which he kept only a small flock of sheep, and didn't receive much subsidy. The needs of the sheep explained a lot of his absence from the Commons, which is why he wanted to move to remote voting in the Commons.

The hotel expenses arose as a result of an accident involving a bottle of whisky and an early flight the next day, and he had drunk only a mouthful of each of the white wine, vodka, Tia Maria, whisky, Pepsi, another white wine, another vodka and Pepsi, a large Malibu and Coke and some other things he found in the fridge only because he thought it was compulsory to empty the minibar in the Union Jack Club.

He wanted to emphasise that no women were present during this visit, despite the errors in the hotel register. And that on other visits he had not claimed for either of them on expenses.

The Toblerone was a present to Alex Salmond who was feeling peckish between his £400 per month food allowances, even though he was not in London at the time.

Mr MacNeil dismissed any talk about who was bunked up with him in the bunk beds, joking "Lembit had the Cheeky Girls, so all's fair....".

Tonight bonfires were being lit throughout the constituency celebrating Mr MacNeil's asceticism, moderate habits and humility. Seven of the bonfires were outside properties he owns and were the scenes of adulation, weeping, gnashing of teeth and drunken attempts to get teenage girls back into hotel rooms. Jackets were compulsory and could not be removed.

An independent opinion poll conducted at 31 Bayhead gave Mr MacNeil of 20% of the popular vote, well ahead of Labour on 99% below, and the bookies have now eased the odds on his re-election to 100-1 on. Allegedly.

The Gazette firmly believes that Mr MacNeil is overdue for sainthood and has written to the Pope in these terms [this bit for the Uist edition only].

It's good to see journalistic standards maintained when the press is under so much pressure to be party political.