Vote SNP - we know where you live

Alasdair Allan

This is a private journal about all the exciting things that have happened to me since I stood as MSP for Gordon the Western Isles. I am dedicated to the people of Gordon the Western Isles, and there is nowhere else I would rather represent. I even intend to live there soon.

I am not to be mistaken for for that imposter who pretends to be an MSP.

I really like this dynamic and exciting blog layout, which suits me perfectly.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Expenses claims

Mr Angus is worked up about the publication of his expenses claims and has asked Kenny and I to check them carefully for anything that might be politically damaging.

I was outraged that the Telegraph sought to embarrass Mr Alex by publishing details of his wholly justified claims. Mr Alex is the most value for money politician that we have ever had in this country, as I tell him every time I have the great fortune to see him. I try to put a note reminding him of his greatness on his desk every day I go to the Parliament, but for some unknown reason Miss Nicola has taken to clearing his desk of my note, the apple and the card with my name and contact details before Mr Alex comes into the building to sweep the floor with the other parties.

Kenny has brought the summary list of expenses that might need review and explanation. I agree to take the first six pages, and he takes the next six to try to identify those that might be really difficult.

Kenny sits in the corner chewing on a slice of couscous and jojoba dumpling from the new Port of Ness Delicatessen and sucking hard on his teeth at everything that might cause problems. The noise soon becomes unbearable, especially when Kenny crunches the gluten-free dandelion and herring rock cakes.

We have identified the following key items that Mr Angus needs to sort out:

  • Eradication of moles on the croft (6 claims) £978
  • Bouncy castle, with the logo "Bouncing for Scotland" £2,881
  • Jockey shorts by Agent Provocateur (1 leather, 1 PVC) £222
  • Cleaner (Ms Juanita Geestring) £150 per week while Parliament is sitting
  • Six towels from Harrods (Barra branch) £2,163
  • The entire Teine collection on CD, vinyl and cassette (signed copies) £24
  • Two nights in Hotel D'Humping, Paris, in the name of Mr & Mrs Smith €954
  • A bill from Annie's Bar, House of Commons, for 6 beers, two large malt whiskies, three tequila sunrises, three Gin & Tonics, two Malibu & Cokes and one Midori & Orange (in the name of Mr MacNeil & secretaries) £7.50
  • One inflatable pink sheep
  • One Ikea triple bed (last one broke) £644 + delivery
  • One tarasgeir £22
  • One tractor - Massey Ferguson with dropped axles, spoiler and racing stripes in green £6,445
  • Valentine day flowers sent to six different addresses (details redacted) - three claims £100
  • One Crunchy 45p
  • Harrods gourmet hamper (birthday present for Kenny) comprising glazed nightingale breasts; six-pack of roast suckling hamster; guga kebabs; compote of venison and marinaded otter; assorted camel cheeses; sweet and sour goose scratchings; caviar pot noodle; 200 embassy regal; terrine of seagull and mole; and a mussel sushi cheesecake £178
  • Ann Summers, details illegible £331
  • Haircut at Hair4Vanity, Chelsea £195
  • Suit by Gervais Gaytrouser of Saville Row £766
  • Delivery of one load of peat from Castlebay to London £1155 plus ferry fares
  • New office in Tangasdale for Parliamentary assistant (J MacNeil) £250,000
  • Crumpets, assorted, £200 per week
But who is going to tell Mrs Jane? Kenny has temporarily developed a speech disorder, and I have to go to Tesco immediately to avoid Voldemort and his family, so it looks like Rhona will have to make the call.

I have phoned Donnie Gazette and get him to write a suitable press release in case the Free Press try to put some kind of bad spin on this affair. He is suggesting "MP does his bit to revitalise the economy after Labour destroy it, killing millions of pensioners."

I've read my wise words this many times

* No, not really. If you haven't worked out that this is a satirical exercise, then please get a life. And find one for Alasdair.