Uist job losses

I have lodged the following motion in Parliament to make sure that responsibility for the closure of the rocket range in Uist is clearly identified.

Today's news that the Labour Westminster Government have decided to cause the collapse of the economy of Uist by closing the Rangehead facility in West Garnish and throwing 215 employees into the sea over the next 4 years is a body blow for a community that is barely recovering from having a Labour MP and MSP until they were rescued from the depth of despair by Mr Angus and I.

Clearly the First Minister and Enterprise Minister and the Finance Minister and the Housing Minister and everyone else are too busy rescuing the Scottish economy from the ravages of the global campaign to destroy our wonderful successes in keeping jobs in Scotland and blaming someone else for our mistakes.

I hope that the Parliament will unite to demand that the Labour Westminster Government are decapitated and their heads nailed to top of the fence around Camp West, Benbecula, to show the public just what voting Labour can bring.

Together, the Parliament must demand that the Government insist that Westminster force Gordon Brown and his Labour acolytes to crawl on their knees from London to Uist and apologise in person to each and every inhabitant of the islands and bring an emergency rescue package [details of which I have no idea about] in used Scottish £10 notes to ensure that Mr Alex and the rest of the Government do not have to do anything constructive.

In the meantime, the rockets should be moved to be aimed at England until such time as someone finds some money to get me out of trouble.

Signatures: A Allan, A Alan, Alastair MacAllan, Alan MacAlastair, MacAllan 12-year-old, Numpty McToady, MacAlastair MacAllan, Brainless Moron, Alex Orrifice.

A phone call from Uist from Clr Manford tells me I am on the subject of adoration and approval in the islands when he tells me that the best place for me is as far away from Uist as possible, as many constituents want to explain why they don't want to see me there for a very long time.

Another successful day, and so to bed to watch Newsnight in bed in my brand new retro Rhubarb and Custard romper suit.

Sunday sailings

The Lords Day Observance Society have not been very helpful in trying to force me and Mr Angus to restate our views on the vexed issue of Sunday sailings of the CalMac ferry which I am told runs over the sea between Stornoway and Ullapool.

Kenny has told Mr Angus and I that under no circumstances must we offend the Free Church, as that would mean that Mr Maroot would be likely to remove his essential financial support for the local branch, and without that £500 per year we would be in serious trouble!

After much discussion with Donnie Gazette we have come up with a coherent policy that he has written for us that makes sure that the public know exactly where we stand in this vital issue. I have issued this press statement far and wide, but especially to the late John MacLeod who has demeaned his position as an independent journalist by not taking the view that Mr Angus and I tell him to take. I have instructed Kenny to write to Mr Alex suggesting that the Daily Mail be purged for the list of approved newspapers in an Independent Scotland and the John MacLeod be immediately placed on the list of banned writers that an independent commission, which has yet to be appointed, add to the first version of the persona non grata.

My statement is a masterpiece of clarity that should make it entirely clear where I stand.

I am someone who strongly supports the rights of the individual.

I would personally never use a Sunday ferry, as I believe that Sunday is a very special day on which we should not do any work, other than when I am engaged on SNP business on the mainland or campaigning for the SNP or otherwise instructed to do something by Mr Alex. Also my plane fares are paid by the Parliament and I would be foolish to spend seven hours [Kenny is this right?] on the boat when I can fly to Edinburgh in one hour on expenses.

It is not right that Sunday ferries are imposed on any section of the community who may, or may not, be willing, or not accepting, of a decision or otherwise after due consultation and public involvement of the community in reaching a view that should be accepted by the company.

Further, without public representation on the matter, the position is not clear and I urge California MacBrian to review the failure to provide the consultation in Gaelic.

This matter is not a political decision and my view is therefore not relevant to the decision that is being made by Balamory MacBrain, as instructed by Mr Stewart.

I have written to Mr Stewart making it clear that if he had any say in the matter then I hope he will listen to my constituents views that the decision to implement Sunday sailings has been a political decision taken by the Labour Party in the Comhairle with the sole purpose of trying to undermine my credibility as a leader of the community opinion.

Other than that, I will make no comment on a decision has nothing to do me.

Phew! That has got me off the hook, and the local party will be delighted with my clear and logical stance.

Kenny has issued the press release and unplugged his phone, directing all calls to me. The first of which comes from a sobbing John MacLeod muttering Gaelic obscenities and curses in equal order at my lack of backbone and decisiveness. How dare he!

I had asked Mr Alex to expel John MacLeod with immediate effect, but I needn't have bothered as he later returned his membership card attached to four white feathers. Still attached to a whole, fresh chicken.

Kenny broke the joyous news, ate the chicken, feathers and all, and he celebrated another success by opening a tin of lobster and goose broth which he washed down with pint glass of low alcohol Vin de Swainbost Chenin Rouge (24% proof) and 6 Regal.

Home to bed and my collection of the speeches of Mr Alex and the Transformers box set.

Expenses. Grrrrr

The fascist Tory rag, the Daily Mail, has some utterly untrue and scurrilous allegations about me and my expenses that are so deeply disturbing that I break into tears at the sight of them.

Graeme, my Very Personal Assistant, mopped my tears with some of the special cherry and lilac balm tissues that were sent to me by the committee of the Scottish Transvestites for RET and Gaelic Cheques (Lewis Branch) following my brilliant speech at their AGM, which was attended by the entire branch membership of one, and constituted my major public engagement for the year.

Mr Angus phoned to commiserate, and deny any responsibility in passing the original papers to the Daily Mail or to next week's Scotland on Sunday, and offered to send some Toblerones and a bottle of white wine he had been gifted by the fees office.

I have written to all members to set out my innocence in this matter, and I left the office in a deep dark mood, leaving Kenny chewing on some honey roast Otter jerky and fielding the phone calls from irate branch members who had been stupid enough to believe what they read.

I have sent the members the following email which they will believe:

You may have read in the Daily Mail that I have claimed outrageous expenses for many costs that I should have paid personally, and if you read the Daily Mail you should contact the office to return your membership and apply for rethink training immediately.

These stories are lies and have no truth in them whatsoever, as they didn't listen to what I said in mitigation when they caught me out showed me what I have claimed for.

- Contrary to the lies put out to hide the fact that Gordon Brown was personally responsible for the murder of millions of children in Iran or Iraq or Iceland, I did not claim for weapons of mass destruction being located in Scotland.

- I did not claim for the wreath or the poppies or the poppy in my lapel that I borrowed from Brian MacPherson when I attended the Remembrance Sunday event in Benbecula.

- Nor did I claim for the shoe leather, chaffing to my trousers, or the vast cost of hair gel required to keep my quiff stable in the high winds.

- The claim for the wreath was entirely within the permissible claims allowed by the Parliament and I have no intention of returning the money, so there.

- I did not claim for my travel to the event, beyond the usual travel expenses involving a 100% reimbursement of all costs incurred, including hotels.

- I will not return the cost of the wreaths as I did nothing wrong, except in the unlikely event that Mr Alex will tell me to do so. So there.

- I did not claim for the 'Go faster stripes' on the side of my Nissan Micra sportscar, which have increased the top speed from 29 mph to 31 mph, (with a tail wind) but not that I would go that fast anyway.

- I explained to the Daily Mail that I had not been involved in any 'Toblerone action' in any hotels in London, but they didn't report this.

- I am making a donation equivalent to the cost of the wreath (£17.40) to show my understanding of the complexity of the situation as instructed by Mr Alex in a brief bollocking down the telephone

- I have not made any dodgy claims as I earn so much money that you just wouldn't believe and that you are just not as clever as me to earn and I don't need the money (unlike others who have claimed for hotels, wine and chocolates!)

- If anyone asks you about this, I am saintly, innocent and it is all scurrilous gossip by newspapers with nothing better to do than print facts about the SNP when they should be printing lies about Labour

- I am more than happy to talk to anyone who has any 'issues' with this, as long as they accept that I am in the right.

If you need any more information, please contact Kenny who will stall you for a few days until your anger dies down.

Lots of love and death to Labour

Alasdair