Promotion

The other Mr Angus, who sits in the other Parliament - oh, why does this all have to be so confusing - has phoned to tell me that I am to be promoted to trainee apprentice junior Minister for inter-galactic activities, space Gaelic and inter-planetary activities. This will entitle me to sit outside the meetings of important people and possibly be allowed to carry their bags to and from the important meetings.

Apparently, the other Mr Angus is going to announce that RAF Lossiemouth, which is in his Constituency is to be designated the new worldwide space launch pad for virgins and that the first flights will take place next year, unless the evil Mr Brown once again lets loose the hordes of pestilence infected Labour MPs to plunder the Scottish Government safes and steal all our money. In which case the scheme will be funded by Laird Trump of Tong building a universe-class golf course on the moon, for which planning permission has already been granted, but only after he applies, not withstanding the objections of SNH, the RSPB and China. He has already promised that (Harris Golf Club) Open will be staged there in 2010, or after he finishes building the 14,000 houses, executive villas, and tax-avoiding penthouses; subject only to the Bank of Scotland, Stornoway, advancing an interest-free 250% mortgage on the deemed notional value of the finished development before he starts.

Anyway, the other Mr Angus tells me that as I am the most obvious person to meet the criteria for launching virgins, I am to be ready for the full announcement next week and I must be ready to rename all the seas on the moon, all the atmospheric conditions and all the asteroids in Gaelic, and I am to do nothing but vote as instructed until the full announcement is made.

I am so proud to be on the very first flight of the very first spacecraft to funded using the Scottish Futures Trust, and no-one should pay any attention to the fact that the dog and the chimpanzee both withdrew from the project due to concerns about safety.

I cannot tell anyone what is happening, but I will make sure that my legacy lives on by defining authoritatively all 37,369 known asteroids in Gaelic! This will keep me quiet and busy for some time, but such is the price of achievement! I put on my Thunderbirds slippers to celebrate.

Steps up the political ladder: 1 (soon, soon!)
Asteroids named an diugh: 2
Constituents seen: None (I'm too busy)