Christmas greetings to my humble voters

Once again Mr Alex has ensured a white Christmas for everyone in Scotland, which is a 25% increase on the previous Labour administration and despite unjustified budget cuts of over a £100,000,000 per Scottish household imposed by the failing Labour administration.

This season always makes me think of my favourite Christmas stories and how the passing year can best be described in those terms.

Mr Alex is - of course - Father Christmas - dispensing gifts to everyone in Scotland and bringing joy and glad throughout the land.

The elves who toil away all year with no recognition, and do exactly as they are told without question, are of course my colleagues in the SNP Parliamentary group.

The reindeer - Dancer, Prancer, Chancer, Vixen, Saxon, Donald and Blitzed - are the CalMac ferries bringing Santa across the seas using the RET scheme to lower the overall cost to the hauliers, to allow them to extend their houses and buy a larger and more expensive holiday home.

The bunch of mistletoe is represented by Mr Angus (enough said!)

For myself, I see the good work I modestly do and the great publicity provided to me by my independent press officer at the Stornoway Gazette, Donnie MacInnes. I know I bring happiness everywhere I go, as the Gazette reports accurately alongside the photograph captioned "Opening a door in Garynahine" or "Welcoming the Scottish Government grant of £250 for Mingulay Golf Course" or "Carrying the bags for the Minister on their visit" or "Launching the campaign for a winter fuel allowance for sheep" or "Making the speech at the SNP St Andrews Night (cancelled)".

I know that I sprinkle happiness across the constituency whenever I make a visit to any group or to any location in the Western Isles, so that I hope that when my constituents think of me they see me in that light, sprinkling my magic everywhere, and think of me as the fairy on the top of the tree.

Allowed to blog again!

Mr Mike phones to tell me that the party ban on blogging has been lifted, but only if I destroy all the old records of all our telephone calls, emails, letters, texts, Christmas cards and postcards. I am able to tell Mr Mike that I had long ago destroyed all the details of 'Operation Smear' which never happened.

I have brunt all the records of the BlackOp during the annual WickerSheep festival in Ness and then cast the ashes into Broadbay during the annual beach clean.

Mr Alex had already send out instructions that all members were to co-operate fully with any investigation into rude messages on the internet, and as part of that process we were to scrub all the hard disks on all out computers, and bring any printed material in for scanning in the new cross-cut scanner and shredder that HQ have bought.

I took the news back to the office, where Rhona was opening the brand new computer equipment with clean hard disks and secure communications using the innovative Scottish communications software - Salmondnet - to keep track of what we are all doing.

As part of the security arrangements, Kenny was using the office scissors to cut the old mouse cable into 100 pieces, and was sitting in a large pile of shattered hard disks, zip drives and 1mm square diced printouts from the filing cabinet.

Kenny explained in words of four letters how the new rules meant that he had been forced to stop blogging and close down his various blogs, and not use the Parliamentary computers for party political purposes.

Kenny is no longer allowed to post anonymously to various sites as "Non-aligned_Scot", "freeThinker", "GordonBrownIsALiar", "FergussonMassey", "NuLabour_NuLies", "BrianWilsonsBum", "ABMacneil" and "LabourAreDead".

He showed me the blogs as he set about closing them down, as I needed to certify to the independent Scottish Parliamentary authorities i.e. Mr Alex, that no staff working for me had ever, ever, ever, run any of the sites that were now being closed.

"The Salmond runs free" was his first ever blog and was a peon of praise to Mr Alex, with detailed articles averaging 10,000 words thoroughly analysing what a good job Mr Alex was doing, and posted in various alter-egos of Kenny. Average hits exceeded 2 a day.

"Tractors for work and pleasure" was a detailed assessment of the merits of the 35x compared to the 188 model and with a gallery of over 10,000 photos of the different bonnet badges, 6 cylinder oil filters and refurbished clutch parts. Blog membership over 6,000, some of whom have actually spoken to a woman.

I wasn't allowed to see "Playsheep", as it was 'under construction'.

The most urgent to be removed was his attack blog "Lunch with Politicians" in which the readers suggested which type of sandwich would suit each politician. The lead story was about how Kenny the author thought that Alasdair Darling MP deserves a nice fresh ciabatta with fresh lettuce, tomato, shredded guga and mutton, and doused with castrol gtx which should be rammed down his throat until he choked on his own deficit. I didn't quite manage to read the story about another Scottish MP and a toblerone baguette. Page hits c.1,000 per week all from the Scottish Parliament web server.

I am able to tell Mr Alex that this is another job well done, and to avoid any tell tale evidence ever being found I have swallowed the letter confirming the situation and 24 imodium, and I will personally deliver the news after I return to civilisation in Edinburgh and the laxatives take effect.