Vote SNP - we know where you live

Alasdair Allan

This is a private journal about all the exciting things that have happened to me since I stood as MSP for Gordon the Western Isles. I am dedicated to the people of Gordon the Western Isles, and there is nowhere else I would rather represent. I even intend to live there soon.

I am not to be mistaken for for that imposter who pretends to be an MSP.

I really like this dynamic and exciting blog layout, which suits me perfectly.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Fuel consultation

With fuel prices rising rapidly, and the public unable to afford to drive or heat their houses I have finally relented and agreed to try to do something about it.

Mr Angus had previously suggested a fuel regulator, which I think was something to do with restricting the flow of profits from the public to the oil companies, but he was never able to explain to me how this would work and I couldn't understand the detailed economics that he explained to me.

I have today launched a consultation which I am going to send to every house in the Western Isles to try to understand the priorities of the public as regards fuel. Kenny facetiously suggested that I could talk to some members of the public, but I dismissed that idea as being plain silly and not as good as a press release.

As the consultation is being paid for by public money, it must be objective, fair, impartial and non-political. I have already cleared the answers with the Minister, as I don't want to get any results that might cause Mr Alex any problems.

Kenny, Rhona and I spent literally minutes on the questions, and I am working on a Gaelic translation which will be issued next year.

Q1. Given that the Labour Party are causing the massive rise in fuel prices, causing wholescale genocide of the poor, the elderly and drivers, not seen since the days of Stalin, do you think I should do something? yes/no

Q2. Any idea what I should do? (max 15 words, and no bad language)

Q3. The SNP propose to reduce the price of everything, but especially oil, without it costing anybody a single penny. Do you agree that Mr Alex is doing a fantastic job? yes/definitely/absolutely

Q4. Would you like this questionnaire in Gaelic? tha/yes

Q5. I promise to raise this matter in Parliament, in strident tones, but with limited expectation of success, as the Minister has already told me that there is no chance of anything happening. Do you support the SNP policy of widespread consultation with the public on matters that aren't going to be affected by the consultation, as a symbol of the commitment to symbolism that a new Scotland will have when it symbolically discusses matters outwith its control? yes/of course/probably

Q6. Do you recognise me? yes/no/who are you?

I have passed the questionnaire to my press officer, Donnie Gazette, who has already written a brilliant article for the local paper extolling the merits and significance of the results that we will get in the next few weeks, and outling the decisive action I am going to take by raising this with the Minister, taking account of the answer he has already told me I am going to get.

I head home, satisfied at having completed such a major political coup and having outwitted Labour yet again.

Gaelic words spoken: 139
Price of petrol: is it £1.75 a pint?
Constituents met: 1

I've read my wise words this many times

* No, not really. If you haven't worked out that this is a satirical exercise, then please get a life. And find one for Alasdair.