Outrageous comments

Voldemort has done it this time!

Kenny phoned to say that he was alleging that a politician on the island was gay, and that to protect my reputation he had arranged for the entire SNP branch (Murdo MacLeod, Donald Murdo MacLeod, Angus MacLeod, Leod MacLeod, Angus B MacNeil Murdo MacLean, Mary MacLeod, Mary Murdo MacLeod, Angusina MacLeod, Donaldina Angusina MacLeod, Murdina Donaldina MacLean and Timotheous MacLeod Jnr) to post comments denying that I was in any way gay!

I was so angry that I wept copiously into my silk Cinderella dressing gown.

I am not attracted to men in any way whatsoever. Nor am I attracted to women for that matter, except senile old women who like to hold me their bosom when I visit the retirement homes to explain in Gaelic why Mr Alex will ensure that the major socio-economic and demographic changes that he will personally ensure will happen will ensure that the children they can barely remember having will return to carry them on commodes of gold to the new palaces that the SNP will build for them on the shores of Loch Achmore, where the fleet of steamers bringing the exiles home will dock. Such a speech is usually appreciated with a rousing round of nose picking, loud appreciative farting and at least one resident passing out and losing their teeth.

Nor am I attracted in any way to mammals. Nor to marsupials. Nor to invertebrates. And certainly not to fish; fresh water or sea living.

Voldemort must now pay for making Kenny suspect me, and I have phoned HQ to get them to do anything and everything about it in a way that I can disown.

Thereafter, I will continue to lead a life of only slight sanctimonious piety as a veritable monk amongst the fallen, gazing onto the unwashed and unappreciative hordes as they vote me back in with ever increasing majorities, surrounded by a coterie of lightly oiled dusky young male party workers, specially flown in from Brazil to help me around the house by looking after my every whim.

Such lovely thoughts to take to bed. I just hope Alex and his 'girlfriend' are thinking of me too.

Pyjamas worn: Blue Dangermouse ones
Bottles of baby oil bought: 7
Constituents spoken to: None