Glasgow East

Mr Angus and I were instructed to abandon any pretence of being busy and to attend the by-election in Glasgow. Apparently this was called after a Labour MP became ill due to Parliament looking at his expenses. The election is being held in Parkhead, which Mr Angus says is as good as a visit to the Vatican for him.

Mr Angus and I have been given different responsibilities during this election campaign, as requested by Mr Angus, so that I am looking after the young men and he looks after the young women.

We have each been given different canvassing responsibilities in different areas. Each morning Mr Angus sets off with a couple of young ladies and comes back much later, exhausted after all the work he has done.

Each morning I pick up my special canvassing papers and set out alone on a high priority task specially given to me by HQ to make best used of my skills, ability and personality. Yesterday I was canvassing in Bearsden, today it was a four hour hitch to Gretna, and tomorrow I am scheduled to cover Aberdeen. Despite repeated questioning, HQ refuse to divulge the reasons for my travel to outlying parts of the constituency, except to say that they are too Top Secret for even me to know about.

I have met the candidate, Mason John, and I break the ice by telling him how useless the SNP Councillors are in the Western Isles and hoping that he doesn't have to ever work with any Councillors. I expound my view that Councillors should not be expected to have any chance to ever become elected politicians as none of them have any knowledge of the real world of hard work, in PR or journalism, or being a special junior assistant to a backbench MSP. It was shortly after this that I was allocated the special task.

I have worn out two pairs of shoes, or more precisely the left shoe of both pairs, but as they were identical pairs I am now campaigning with two right shoes on, which makes turning corners easier.

I have been recognised by many people this week, some of them were even not MSPs, and I am looking forward to getting home and writing their names into my special diary and adding them to my Christmas card list.

Doors canvassed: 1,968
Doors answered: 1 (campaign headquarters!)
Names on Christmas card list: 3

Computers handed back

Rhona has taken complete charge of the office and we have been without computers for some time as she has taken the issues of computer security very very seriously.

Shortly after replacing Mr Angus' assistant who shame remain nameless (Rhona) she decided that all the email messages that she had sent and received and the pictures on the computer were 'inappropriate' and they had to be removed. Neither Kenny nor I were allowed near Rhona's computer during the entire process, but the constant stream of tutting, gasps and other disapproving sounds indicated that the contents of the hard drive were not as they should be. After three days, Rhona announced that she would have to clean the inbox and outbox on Mr Angus' computers and hired specialists to remove all traces of the photographs.

Mr Angus was up in arms at this suggestion, instructing me to tell Rhona that he was not allowing it to happen, especially not the removal of the photos as he had nowhere else to store them and if he had to take them home and Mrs Jane found them, then there would be trouble.

After a quick call to Mr Alex by Rhona who explained the nature and content of the hard drives, and the briefest of conversations between Mr Alex and Mr Angus, his computers were collected by security men the following morning, sealed, and transported away. A call from London indicated that his computers there had also been impounded. Later that day, Rhona also changed our passwords - pending 'cleansing' - and awaited further instructions.

After merely three weeks the specialists had managed to virtually purge almost every incriminating item of evidence, and Rhona was instructed to start on our computers. I was lucky, as apart from a few accidental page views of some sites I came across purely by accident and returned to only a few times, there was nothing on my computer, as all the good stuff is at home.

Later that day, Rhona froze Kenny with a strong glare and sought an explanation of why he was downloading dirty pictures onto a Government computer. Kenny swore profusely and went outside for five cigarettes, returning 10 minutes later to explain that they were research in case any further accusations were made against Mr Angus. Rhona pursed her lips into a tight line and banged her fist so hard on the desk that the photocopier flew off. Kenny slipped out for another 10 cigarettes, which he smoked simultaneously and was back five minutes later to confess that he was the one who subscribed online to "Sheep and shepherd", "Suits ewe, Sir", "Tractor fancier", the politics section of the Guardian and "Sheep - young and shorn".

As we were both made to sit in the corner for the rest of the week, in total disgrace, I declined his offer of a portion of aniseed lapwing scratchings, which were apparently on special offer this week at Cross Stores. Mr Angus phoned to tell us that we had collectively responsibility for the material on his computer, and he was going to explain to Mr Alex just why we shouldn't be punished too harshly for downloading all the wrong things onto his computer.

I am in despair, as this is a black mark and it probably means I won't get promoted to assistant to the apprentice to the trainee junior minister for Gaelic things.

Naughty pictures seen: 1
Time spent in corner: 28 hours (with daily toilet breaks)
Constituents spoken to: None

Visit to Barra

Now that school Parliament is out for the 14 weeks of summer it is good to be able to relax and do what I want around my house, or go somewhere civilised like the mainland, or visit places where people know me, like my office.

So when Mr Angus told me to come to Barra straight away to see the appalling state of the hospital, I was more than happy to jump into my car and drive slowly, but carefully, to the airport - allowing 45 minutes for check-in and another 45 minutes for the 8 mile drive - to fly to the Island of Barra, which is even further away than Uist.

Ms Nicola was coming to the Island of Barra to rename the hospital as St Salmond's by the Sea and to criticise the Labour Party for failing to do anything about the appalling state of the hospital which has been allowed to go to rack and ruin over the past number of years. Or so Mr Angus told me as we formed the guard of honour at the airport, waiting for the plane to land.

As the plane landed I ran out onto the runway, which was covered in sand, and threw myself prostrate so that Ms Nicola could stand on me to avoid getting her Jimmy Chu shoes dirty, which she obviously appreciated as she wiped her feet on me more than once.

We climbed into the stretch tractor for the journey to the Ospadal (that's hospital in Gaelic!), narrowly avoiding running over Cllr Donald Manford, the supposed leader of the SNP Group on the Council who was astonished to see us there. "Perhaps we will be successful on the return journey" said Mr Angus, who invented the tractor when he was a boy, before showing the driver how to change gear.

Mr Angus was explaining to Ms Nicola about how the wicked and evil Labour Party had paid no attention to the hospital over the past few years, whilst trying to read the directions to the hospital that Mrs Jane had written out for him. The street of Barra had been swept clean of seaweed, sheep poo and anyone who might want to meet the Minister, or might recognise Mr Angus or even I.

As the tractor negotiated the pedestrians forming an orderly but unsteady queue outside the off-licence, Neil Neil MacNeil, Neil MacNeil MacNeil, John Iain MacNeil, Iain John MacNeil, Travis MacNeil, Oighrig MacNeil, Peigi Donald O'Neil MacNeil, Seumas Chavez and Philomena MacNeil Mugabe, Ms Nicola laid out her priorities for the meeting and the visit.

In no particular order they were

• No promises about anything
• Make the right noises at the right time
• Maximum photo opportunities
• Be seen to be interested in even the most tedious detail
• I was to carry her bags at all times
• Under no circumstances were critics to be allowed within 100m (at which point her civil servant smiled, and lifted his jacket to show a gun "for defence only")
• and finally, something to do with health care

Briskly pushing aside the patients and staff who were blocking the way for the photographer we managed to get enough photos to justify the ministerial visit, before we handed out the press release announcing the success of the visit and left after a visit that seemed to last hours, but took only 10 minutes including 9 for photos.

Mr Angus took us all back to the airport by the scenic route, which seemed to be the same route as we had taken the first time, and then Ms Nicola was gone. Mr Angus and I went back to see those who wanted to make representations to Ms Nicola with her apologies. Mr Angus sent me into the room and went off to see Harlot MacNeil "on constituency business". Thankfully no-one recognised me and I was able to get out after standing in a corner for barely three hours.

Press releases issued: 43 (42 by Ms Nicola and 1 by Mr Angus)
Protesters met by me: 17
People who recognised me : 1 (Mr Angus!)